Tis the season to be jolly as all get out, and to celebrate, we here at the Red Shtick Astrological Society have made a call to the big man up north to ask for a little insight into your Horrorscopes for December.
Unfortunately, he’s a little busy this time of year. Lucky for you, he offered jolly old St. Knick the opportunity to peek at his naughty list to issue some holiday warnings for some special folks out there who could stand a last-minute touch of correction.
Being fat is not a disability; stop parking in the handicapped spots.
Fa la la la la.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): No one is going to call you out to your face for giving everyone “donations to a good cause,” but I know. Make a quick trip to Walgreens for some gift cards before I fill your stocking in the reindeer stable.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stop giving the Salvation Army volunteers the stink eye for saying “Happy Holidays.” The only people who should be annoyed with things getting renamed this time of year are those poor Romans who saw their booze-and-orgy-filled fertility festival replaced with the birthday of a kid who was born at least 6 months earlier.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): I understand how you came to believe anyone gave a crap about your opinion on Facebook, but no one does. I’m not going to penalize you for it, but at the very least, quit beginning every inane post with the announcement that you’re finally going to chime in on a topic everyone is talking about like anyone who doesn’t know you well enough to guess what your thoughts are really cares. No one does. NO. ONE.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Being fat is not a disability; stop parking in the handicapped spots. If your “condition” can be improved by not using aids put in place for people with “conditions,” then you don’t have a “condition.”
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): It’s time to own up to your faults, and by that I mean quit blaming your farts on the kids. Your husband is starting to get worried, and the next time you blame a broccoli squeaker on your toddler, she’s going to end up in the ER.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): While you may be gluten intolerant, Santa isn’t. So help me, if you leave a pile of gluten-free cookies and soy milk next to the fireplace, I’ll be dumping them in your stocking and beating you awake with them.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You’re not wassailing; you’re getting drunk and singing in your front yard until you pass out on the inflatable snowman, and the neighbors are going to call the cops.
You suggest one time, ONCE, that it might be fun to invite one of the elves around for a two-and-a-half-some, and you’ll never hear the end of it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You need to start watching less porn. Your wife is quickly losing her sense of humor about your bedroom suggestions. Take it from me: You suggest one time, ONCE, that it might be fun to invite one of the elves around for a two-and-a-half-some, and you’ll never hear the end of it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Quit masturbating with Vaseline in the shower. You’re literally going to kill your grandmother with an ice rink of petroleum jelly and skeet.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There’s no such thing as a “butthole only” virgin. You’re just a whore who now has to wipe far too frequently.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stop snooping for presents in your parent’s closet – specifically, between your dad’s old coats and the box marked “Personal Stuff.” Otherwise, you’re getting a big old box of therapy for Christmas 2024.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t regift that fruitcake again this year. It’s been making the rounds in your family for a decade now. End the abomination before someone is dumb enough to actually try and eat it.