BACS Honorable Mention: Brandon “Buddy the Elf” Touchet

Blood-Alcohol-Championship-Series

Twas the week before Christmas,
And behind the wheel of a car,
Was a guy dressed as an elf
Who’d drank too much at the bar.

Forget about “Elf on the Shelf.” Touchet is a “Top-shelf Elf.”

More specifically, Brandon Touchet, of Lafayette, was booked into jail on counts of drunken driving and speeding last weekend, all while donning an outfit inspired by Will Ferrell’s character from the film Elf.

Forget about “Elf on the Shelf.” Touchet is a “Top-shelf Elf.”

According to police reports, a Lafayette patrol officer saw Touchet early Sunday morning dashing along at 60 mph in a 40-mph zone down Kaliste Saloom Road.

Why was he going so fast? Maybe he was rushing back to the North Pole.

Peter "The Milkman" North
Peter “The Milkman” North

No, not the geographic location. North Pole as in the adult video series by Peter North. Touchet looks like a guy who enjoys watching “The Milkman” glaze a young girl.

After pulling him over, Officer C. Broussard reported the elfin Touchet had “a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from his breath as he spoke, his eyes were bloodshot, his speech was slurred, and he was swaying from side to side as he stood.”

First of all, Officer C. Broussard, it’s a well-known fact that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s nose gets red whenever … well, whenever he gets sexually stimulated. We think. We’re not really sure. But it does get red, thus the famous moniker.

What’s not so well-known is the fact that elves’ eyes turn red whenever they get pulled over by the police at 3 a.m. So all his bloodshot eyes prove is that he’s an elf.

Of course he was swaying side to side. He’s an extremely tall elf. Their equilibrium isn’t designed to handle anything over 4’3″³.

Secondly, of course he was swaying side to side. He’s an extremely tall elf. Their equilibrium isn’t designed to handle anything over 4’3″.

Touchet was arrested and booked into the Lafayette Parish Correctional Center after his blood-alcohol level was measured to be 0.124 percent, more than 50% over the legal limit for driving, which makes perfect sense for an elf. His system can only handle a thimbleful or two of alcohol at a time. Touchet may look like a 200-pound man, but he gets drunk twice as fast as the tiniest jockey at Evangeline Downs.

The future of Touchet’s career as an elf is uncertain. His drunken-driving arrest may very well scuttle his chances of being Santa Claus’ co-driver this Christmas. Prior to this incident, Touchet was considered a front-runner for the position, mainly because he was the only elf who could reach the pedals on the sleigh.

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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