2013 Holiday Book Reviews by Ruby42

Happy Christmas, Merry Hanukkah, and Feliz Navi-Kwanzaa, everyone! It’s that time of year again!

No, not time to induce labor on your pregnant wife so that you can claim your soon-to-be baby on your taxes next year. Rather, it’s “Let’s go broke buying presents for people we don’t like, that they don’t need, that they won’t like so we can resent them this time next year all over again” season! That’s the spirit!

It’s got naked butts. It’s got sex positions named after David Hasselhoff. It’s got UNICORNS! Folks, it even has naked BOOBIES!

Speaking of presents, here are a couple of great books available this holiday season in case you actually have someone to shop for whom you actually like! How about that!?!

First up is this (depressingly) hilarious gem, The Married Kama Sutra: The World’s Least Erotic Sex Manual by Simon Rich & Farley Katz.

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Folks, this is your parents’ version of the Kama Sutra, and not in a creepy “Ewww, I just saw my dad’s under prunes” kinda way. If you’ve been married long enough to pass that gaggingly annoying honeymoon phase, you’ll find yourself trying to decide whether to laugh or cringe first as you relate to just about every damn photo in this book.

k1

Actually, “the dishwasher position” happens in reverse in my house, since my husband seems to have a Ph.D. in loading the dishwasher and treats me as though I was politely rejected from clown college whenever I put in a bowl facing the wrong way. Note: Shampoo will NOT work in a pinch if you’re out of dishwasher detergent.

k6

That last image submitted without comment about the tall, ginger, high school boy down the street.

Why aren’t there any wieners to color?

If you’re looking for something more interactive (or if you’re trying to be a cheapskate and purchase only one gift for a couple that you know), I HIGHLY recommend the Sex Position Coloring Book: Playtime for Couples.

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You’re gonna need to buy A LOT of white colors. You know, for semen and fur.

The-Hasselhoff-sex-position-coloring-bookThis book is fantastic. It’s got everything you could want in a coloring book. It’s got naked butts. It’s got sex positions named after David Hasselhoff. It’s got UNICORNS! Folks, it even has naked BOOBIES!

Last-unicorn-sex-position-coloring-bookIt even has a creepy Adolf Hitler-faced moon watching two human beings DOING SEX TO EACH OTHER WITH THEIR GENITALS!

I broke this book out at a party with some friends last night and it was a major conversation starter.

Campfire-singalong-sex-position-coloring-bookQuestions included, but were not limited to:

  • What shade of brown would you color those areolas?
  • I know that position says it’s called “Kissing the Rosebud,” but it looks like that dude’s just sniffing that chick’s pooper, doesn’t it?
  • Why aren’t there any wieners to color?
  • What am I gonna do with this big black crayon now?
  • Why does the moon look like Hitler?
  • You think Hasselhoff could hold a chick up like that anymore or does that require sobriety?
  • There sure are a lot of blow jobs in this book, don’t you think?

What shade of brown would you color those areolas?

The ONLY thing that could make this coloring book better besides showing some wieners and hoohahs, and some girl on girl, guy on guy, guy on girl on other girl watching another guy on guy wearing a leopard costume (don’t judge) action would be to include a box of  appropriately named colors: Titty Pink, Pasty Ass White, Butthole Brown, Blue Balls Blue, Golden Shower Yellow, Gonorrhea Green, Popped Cherry Red, and about 17 glittery, glow-in-the-dark Snowy Semen colors as a lovely finishing touch.

Oh, man! I should be a crayon namer when I grow up! I finally have a special purpose (now if only I could get my name in the phone book).

You know what? Screw your crappy relatives. While you’re out shopping for your fat aunt who thinks you’re worthless because you don’t like her candy corn casserole, or your drunk brother-in-law who short-circuited the Santa Yoda on your front lawn last year by upchucking Old Crow …

treat-yoself

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About Ruby42

Ruby42 is an artist / poet / comedian / writer / pornographer / baker of boozy bacon cakes and thinks it sucks to be you.

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