Jenna Jameson Cums Out of Retirement

Jenna-JamesonJenna Jameson is going to dust off her cooter and put the old cleats back on. I have mixed emotions about this, but mostly just bad ones that are all mixed together.

I really do feel sorry for her. She said she was done and that the meat curtains would close on a legendary career forever. When she was pregnant with twins, she made a promise to her belly that she would never do adult films again.

She says she is doing it because she is broke and needs to take care of her family. That makes it even sadder. It would be easier to swallow (heh, swallow) if she just said she wanted to do it again because she liked doing it.

What does a retired adult film star do with herself? Apparently, drugs and alcohol are two of the options.

But what does a retired adult film star do with herself? Apparently, drugs and alcohol are two of the options.

Now that she is coming out of retirement, she has made a few talk show appearances under what some may call “the influence.” Not a good start. You have to maintain a level of professionalism for people to take you seriously.

When Brett Favre came out of retirement, he built drama like a sonofabitch. First, he was just throwing the old ball around. Then he was working out at a local high school and firing the pigskin at special ed kids.

To the untrained eye, they just looked like normal children who couldn’t catch an object moving that fast, but it was just a sales tactic. It’s like holding your dong in really tiny hands and pissing into the moat around a Lego castle. It makes you feel larger than life.

Next thing you know, the Minnesota Vikings offensive line lands a fucking helicopter in his yard to beg him to play again. It’s no secret that Brett loved his pain killers and beer, but if he had stumbled out of his house in a tube top and smeared lipstick screaming, “Make me feel good, Billy Bob Thornton,” those fatasses would have made for the choppah! It’s about presentation and marketing.

Brett came out with guns blazing and the sports world responded. I was never a huge fan, and I certainly never jerked it to Brett Favre, but it was hard not to get excited about what he would do next. He came within inches of the Promised Land but watched as it slipped away in an instant (Whodat).

Brett Favre dabbled in porn, too.
Brett Favre dabbled in erotica, too.

Then Brett rode off into the sunset like a wounded hero, leaving a bunch of homely Midwestern women with terrifying accents writhing around unsatisfied. Of course, we all found out later that he sent a picture of his Brittney to some hot chick who worked for the Jets while his wife battled cancer. It was all pretty Hallmark until that last part.

I just don’t want Jenna to embarrass herself. There just isn’t really an inspiring way to re-enter the adult entertainment industry. She’s kind of undoing the only inspiring thing she had going for her, which was being a mother and keeping a promise. I really wish that she could get her shit together and find a way to make some money without using her hooch, but I guess she’s just doing what she knows to do.

Well, Jenna, if you are going to do it, do it big. You may not lead the Vikings to the NFC Championship, but you can still bring the Packers to the Super Hole. “¦ I’m sorry.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Michael Atkinson

Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

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