Dress to Impress

HorrorscopesCeiling-Fan-shirtHoly crap: Halloween is almost here, and you have Jack Squat for a costume idea!

Now, there are plenty of ideas out there, floating around the internet, that are unoriginal and annoying. We’ve all seen the guy at the party wearing the handwritten “Go Ceiling” T-shirt. We get it: You’re a ceiling fan. You’re also terrible at planning things in advance. And you’re also not going home with anyone at this party.

Feathers, war paint, smallpox, and a bottle of whiskey. You make-um heap big statement.

This has been one hell of a year, and we’ve still got a couple months left. C’mon people, you can do better than that. Let’s put our heads together and come up with something topical, witty, and original. Well, maybe just one or two of those things.

ted-cruz-doucheSCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Draw a pair of douchebag eyebrows on your forehead and wander around talking nonstop while shooting yourself in the foot. Throw in a misplaced sense of accomplishment and you’re Ted Cruz.

miley-cyrus-wrecking-ballSAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Miley Cyrus is an easy one. Make a giant ball of tin foil and drag it around behind you. Also, be naked and have a weird ass.

farrah-abraham-moldCAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Everybody’s favorite teen mom, Farrah Abraham, posted a video of herself making a mold of her crotch garbage. Re-create it with wet paper towels. As with Miley, the more nudity, the funnier it gets.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Buzzfeed has been petitioning pretty hard against any costume portraying a stereotypical Native American. Screw those uppity liberal arts majors by making the most offensive Indian costume you can. Feathers, war paint, smallpox, and a bottle of whiskey. You make-um heap big statement.

Ylvis-what-fox-saysPISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Dress up like a hunter and go around shooting all the morons who come dressed like Ylvis foxes. “What does the fox say?” Eat a double helping of buckshot.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Dick Cheney, undead robot from hell. This one is self-explanatory.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Frown a lot and apologize to everyone but don’t change anything. If you can get everyone in the party to pretend they never voted for you, you’re Barack Obama.

Kris Jenner doesn’t even require a costume. Just look for the richest guy at the party and grab his penis.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Put on a cheap suit and cry nonstop before getting thrown under a bus. Ladies and gentlemen, John Boehner.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Walk into the party wearing jeans, sunglasses, and a white T-shirt that you tell everyone costs $120. Then spin around in the middle of the room and talk about your genius before collapsing in a pile of your own barf. If you can leave with the biggest skank there, you’ve pulled off Kanye West.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Kris Jenner doesn’t even require a costume. Just look for the richest guy at the party and grab his penis.

dexter-lumberjack-season-8-finaleVIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There are going to be a lot of Heisenbergs out there this year. Beat them all with a Walter White costume consisting of a T-shirt with “I’m Dead” written on it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Dress like a lumberjack and slap everyone in the face; You’re the Dexter finale.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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