The Devil Made Me Do It


Scalia-priest-cartoonIn a recent interview with New York Magazine, Justice Antonin Scalia, sometimes called the Don Rickles of the Supreme Court, confirmed that in keeping with his deep-seated Catholic faith, he believes the devil is real and spreading evil wherever he can. He went on to explain that the devil is cunning and wily, and that’s why some people doubt his existence.

Asked what proof he might have that the devil is real, he mentioned the movie The Exorcist. “Did you see how that little girl’s eyes rolled back into her forehead, her head spun 360 degrees, she started speaking in a deep guttural voice, she projectile vomited, and the priest went flying out the window. Don’t tell me it wasn’t the devil’s doing.

There is no evidence to support the rumor he sold his soul to the devil, but all bets are off as far as Dick Cheney is concerned.

“And do you remember that musical Damn Yankees! where the old guy sold his soul to the devil so he could become young again and play ball for the Washington Senators?” (Would all those who remember the Washington Senators please raise your liver-spotted arthritic hands?)

exorcist-movieInterestingly, in 1971, the Washington Senators became the Texas Rangers, which were subsequently owned by George W. Bush. As far as we can ascertain, there is no evidence to support the rumor he sold his soul to the devil, but all bets are off as far as Dick Cheney is concerned.

On the subject of marriage equality, Scalia said he doesn’t hate gay people but just thinks they shouldn’t be allowed to shower at the Y and that they are going to burn in hell for all eternity, which is what they have coming to them and is also in keeping with his deep-seated Catholic faith.

Concerning his age (he’s 77) and despite the fact he is the longest-serving justice on the court (27 years), Scalia said he feels good and as long as he is firing on all eight cylinders, he will continue working, but he quickly added he was talking about the straight eight kind of cylinders, not like those V8s that fire in both directions.

duck-dynastyOn a more personal note, Scalia has watched the Duck Dynasty, and his favorite television character is the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld, and I am not making that up.

Soup-NaziAs a final question, the justice was asked this: “Since the devil is so cunning and wily, how do we know you’re not the devil or possessed by him but have us all fooled by appearing to be this kind, elderly jurist?”

With that, Scalia’s eyes rolled back into his forehead, his head spun 360 degrees, and he started speaking in a deep guttural voice, and just as the interviewer started to wipe the vomit off himself, he was flung out the window by some unseen force.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tom Curran

Tom Curran
Tom Curran is a recently transplanted Rhode Island Yankee who has chosen to live out his twilight years aggravating and annoying as many folks as possible. He is grateful to The Red Shtick for offering him a means to that end.

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