GUEST COLUMN: Why Do a Bunch of Dumbasses Get to Determine My Education? – Grace Sinclair, Third-Grader

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Grace-SinclairI’ve got some choice words for all the “adults” fighting over whether or not my education should meet Common Core standards.

First off, grab a dictionary, grandpa. And make it one from this century.

Lord knows, after hearing the rhetoric being spewed by both sides of this contentious issue, you’re lucky if you have the reading comprehension of a lobotomized preschooler, not to mention the critical thinking skills of an imbecile who drives off a damn cliff because Apple Maps gave him or her bad directions.

You’re lucky if you have the reading comprehension of a lobotomized preschooler.

I’ll admit, at first glance, The Common Core Initiative seems like a great idea. A set of standards that would cross state lines to help better prepare high school grads to enter college and the modern workforce? Sounds good, huh? After all, American high school diplomas are more devalued than Zimbabwean dollars.

But what’s going to happen when hordes of students fail to meet these new standards aimed at bringing us up to speed with all those countries whose kids are thoroughly kicking our asses in math and science?

And don’t pretend like you don’t know it’s going to happen. I go to school with a bunch of morons. It’s not like they’ll wake up one day with an Asian brain and get smart overnight. It’s going to take some time for these revolutionary standards to work.

In the interim, do you really believe the leaders of the 45 states where Common Core Standards have already been adopted will admit that their kids aren’t as smart as the kids in Shanghai?

In case you forgot, we’re talking about politicians and bureaucrats. Their No. 1 priority is not to ensure I get a good education. It’s to make themselves look good.

Surprised I seem a bit jaded? Sure, I may look adorable, but I’m not some wide-eyed kindergartner who thinks all grown-ups have the best interest of children at heart.

Here’s what will happen: As soon as my fellow students start screwing the pooch – like you and I know they will – the politicians will quickly go to work moving the goal posts and desperately trying to make chicken salad out of chicken poop.

I may look adorable, but I’m not some wide-eyed kindergartner who thinks all grown-ups have the best interest of children at heart.

I’m sorry. Those advanced metaphors probably went over your pretty, little, cavernous head. Allow me to rephrase: When a lot of students fail to meet the new standards, officials will lower the standards in an attempt to make me and my generation look less stupid in the hopes of protecting their jobs. Capiche?

“You know what would help your chances of winning the presidency, Mr. Jindal? A pair of balls, sir.”

Hell, with comments like “federalized curriculum” in reference to the Common Core, Governor Jindal’s already acting like he’s sorry he supported the adoption of the standards three years ago. (By the way, you’d think a man who graduated from Brown at the age of 20 could grasp the difference between standards and curriculum.)

What’s the matter, governor? Why the sudden concern? You finally get around to reading what’s involved with the new standards? Or are you just worried about how implementing the standards might dampen support from certain Republicans and hamper a possible run for the White House?

By the way, you know what would help your chances of winning the presidency, Mr. Jindal? A pair of balls, sir.

These are educational standards that ultimately won’t amount to a hill of beans. And you’re waffling over that? God help us if you had to deal with issues that really matter. Syria. Russia. Putin. Please, Governor Jindal, go on and tell us how Obama is an awful leader.

Speaking of Obama, if you’re one of those dolts who opposes the Common Core just because the president supports it, please go eat all the bags of dicks in the world.

I completely understand if you’re arguing against the initiative due to its methodology. Or if you have a legitimate fear that it will further marginalize the teaching of arts and literature in schools, that’s totally acceptable, too.

I wish the president would wholeheartedly support breathing just so people like you would oppose it.

But if you’re railing against Common Core simply because it’s a program with strong federal support and is being implemented during the Obama administration, do us all a favor and suck on a tailpipe of a running car. You’ll raise our country’s average IQ by at least 20 points.

Seriously, I wish the president would wholeheartedly support breathing just so people like you would oppose it.

And finally, if you’re opposed to the Common Core because it doesn’t include scientific standards for creationism, you’ve just disqualified yourself as having any voice in determining my education.

Oh, you want to teach me that the Earth is really only 6,000 years old – despite all scientific evidence to the contrary – because your favorite bedtime book says so? And you can’t understand why those kids in Shanghai are so much better at science and math.

I’m guessing you also want to teach me that the current, steady decline of America as a world power is not due to imperial hubris, but rather the result of rampant homosexuality. Here’s a little history lesson for your pea-sized brain: Just because the Greeks and Romans were “sexually free” doesn’t mean that’s what caused their empires to fall.

Alright, I’ve got to go. SpongeBob is coming on. It may be a stupid show, but it’s still a lot smarter than any of you people.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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