This month, I actually looked up at the sky and used my magic astrology telescope (that’s what we’re supposed to use, right?) to see what September had in store for several famous individuals according to their astrological signs. Silly me; I forgot to send them in to Shticker in Chief Jeremy White.
Well, I guess now’s as good a time as any to sit down and see if any of my readings for September were close to events in the world.
Bit of a warning: The stars are a little vague when it comes to names…
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You will quarrel with a foreign comrade over a troubled friend, but if you stay the course, you might earn some bonus points abroad.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I know you don’t think it’s possible, but for a professional “speaker,” you’re going to talk your way into people disliking you even more.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Shut up. Shut up. For god’s sake, shutupshutupshutup. No one cares, and you look like a douchebag. Way to kneecap your career in your freshman year.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): While you may have had trouble with your public image in the past, this month affords an opportunity to put one diabetic foot into the shadow of the limelight again. Just try not to mention the N-word, slaves, or your brother.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In an attempt to garner some public attention for your failing media empire, you will speak candidly about almost having a nervous breakdown. However, you are a billionaire, and no one cares about your “problems.” Gas is expensive as hell right now.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your whiny, girllike voice and creepy, trailer-trash antics are dishonoring your home and native land. Others will give you an opportunity to make a change. You’ll blow it.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): All signs point to you winning something big this month. Unfortunately, your parents come from a brown country, and despite being born in New York and being totally hot, a lot of rednecks are going to be pissed.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Things look cloudy. A good time to stay home and corral the voices in your head. Maybe talk to someone. Just don’t go to work.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This month sees you hosting another awards show. Things will go well, as usual, but people might be getting tired of you. Watch that you don’t become a Seacrest-like joke.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You have a big movie coming out this month and another in December. Everyone likes you, but they’re afraid to criticize your creepy moustache. Please shave it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Sports sure were fun while they lasted, huh? Oh well, perhaps now is the time to try something new? Maybe start that mega-church you’ve had your eye on?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): September is going to be a big month for learning about yourself. While things won’t go as planned, you can look forward to sending random women pictures of your last name in your down time.