Moonbeam Capital Investments Seeks Refund on Purchase of Cortana “Shithole”

The Las Vegas real estate company that bought Cortana Mall for $6 million earlier this year is now suffering from a case of buyer’s remorse and wants to annul the purchase.

Moonbeam Capital Investments added Cortana to its national portfolio of overlooked and underutilized retail centers in March with plans to lease the copious available space to retail, restaurant, and office users. After only six months of owning and operating the mall, however, those aspirations have been supplanted by regret and second-guessing.

“I don’t know what the fuck we were thinking buying this dump.”

“I don’t know what the fuck we were thinking buying this dump,” said Shawl Pryor Sr., Moonbeam’s senior vice president and director of leasing and management. “We’d really like to rescind the transaction and get our money back. We have a receipt and everything.”

moonbeam-capital-investmentsPryor indicated Moonbeam executives were a bit too optimistic about the potential for Cortana’s revitalization and overlooked what should have been obvious warning signs.

“In hindsight, I think we looked at this commercial hellscape through rose-colored glasses,” Pryor explained. “Virginia College and Sam’s Custom Jewelry alone should’ve raised a bunch of red flags. I mean, who the hell wants to get a college degree – at least one you could be proud of – under the same roof as a fast-talking Arab selling knock-off jewelry?

Cortana Mall empty“By the way, that dude can call himself Sam until he’s blue in the face, but everyone knows his name is Samir.”

One of the main causes of Moonbeam’s chagrin stems from the lack of prospective tenants willing to lease out the abundant empty storefronts.

Cortana Mall hi style“We’ve got umpteen urban apparel stores and Scott Rogers’ Around Town Studios, so we’ve pretty much cornered the market on pimp suits and pretentious, closeted Brits,” Pryor said. “That’s great, but what about the other 10,000 acres of vacant space? Seriously, we already have Cell Fix AND Cell Fix II. Do we really need a Cell Fix III?”

Pryor also revealed that had Moonbeam been informed about Cortana’s recent history, it likely would not have followed through with the purchase.

“We already have Cell Fix AND Cell Fix II. Do we really need a Cell Fix III?”

“Here’s something we just found out about: This shithole couldn’t even keep a goddam Hot Topic or a fucking Spencer’s Gifts!” Pryor said, referencing two longtime retailers that moved out of Cortana. “Had we known this six months ago, we never would’ve bought this godforsaken crapfest.

“When a mall can’t even attract impressionable, insecure teenagers and dumbasses easily amused by stupid shit, it’s fucking hopeless.”

Given the current situation with Cortana, Pryor added that he wishes Moonbeam had chosen to invest in other retail properties.

“At this point,” Pryor stated, “I think we’d be better off had we bought that Westgate Mall in Kenya instead of Cortana.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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