Sat March 6, 2021

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IMMIGRATION: Louisiana economic refugees met at Texas border with tear gas.
IMMIGRATION: Trump administration implements “Fuck off and die” policy at Mexican border.
BREAKING: President Trump suggests Jamal Khashoggi was killed by Central Park Five.
SPORTS: LSU fans “pouring in” to new Tiger Stadium sections offering beer, delusions of wooing back Saban.
BREAKING: President Trump vows to destroy imminent threat to ego.
EDUCATION: UL Lafayette master plan calls for development near Cajundome to feature indoor plumbing, electricity.
LAFAYETTE: Library board adopts slogan “Reading is such a drag.”
BREAKING: Judge blocks online plans for printing untraceable dildos.
SOURCE: Trump orders White House flag at full staff to celebrate raging boner.
BREAKING: After Manafort conviction, Mueller points at news cameras and yells “I’m comin’ for you, Donnie.”

SPORTS: LSU backer Scott Longwood chosen SEC Offensive Fan of the Week.

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BREAKING: President Trump suggests Jamal Khashoggi was killed by Central Park Five.

The Red Shtick Breaking News: We break it. You buy it.