In the January 2008 issue of Red Shtick Magazine, I forecasted the future of a then-still-young-and-innocent Miley Cyrus. After her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards this past weekend, I wholeheartedly reaffirm exactly what I said back then.
Keep in mind my prediction was written and published nearly a year and a half before Jamie Foxx had to apologize for saying that Miley was going to end up on the stripper pole. In fact, it was written before Barack Obama won a single presidential primary.
So here’s what I said about her when she was barely 15 years old, well before she started taking off her clothes for attention:
I want to attend a Hannah Montana concert before she becomes a porn star. I just want to be able to brag that I saw the girl live while she was still sweet and innocent, and before her dad blew her entire trust fund on coke and hookers.
My prediction was written and published nearly a year and a half before Jamie Foxx had to apologize for saying that Miley was going to end up on the stripper pole.
Please, don’t be so naÃ¯ve by calling me mean and hateful. Trust me, it’s an inescapable fate for the poor girl. The stars are perfectly, yet tragically, aligned.
First, her stage name is Hannah Montana. That’s the quintessential name for a porn starlet. Not only does it rhyme, but it’s geographically themed, too. Any time a girl’s name includes a geographical reference (Cheyenne, Sierra, Asia), she’s halfway to appearing in adult films. The fact that her name rhymes only reinforces her inevitable fortune. Case in point: Alexis Texas.
Secondly, I’ve had occasion to witness some of Miss Cyrus’ abilities as a thespian on the Disney Channel (not by choice). Believe me, when it comes to acting skills, porn is definitely in her future. There’s a precedent for this prediction. Remember Screech from Saved by the Bell?
Finally, Hannah Montana’s dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. I’m sorry, but when an attractive girl has a father who’s famous for a mullet, she’s destined to do unsavory things in front of a camera. Don’t blame me. He’s the one who wore that haircut and gave her that name.
So when you’re downloading that bootleg copy of Hannah Does Montana in the not-so-distant future, remember your old pal Jeremy was the one who told you before anyone else why she’s been practicing sticking her tongue out so much.