Like I do every year, I’ve compiled a list of suitable birthday gifts for my loyal readers to purchase for me. You may leave them at the Red Shtick offices (cards are appreciated but not required) in the care of Jeremy White. No need for us to meet in person.
I’m turning 34 this year, which means I should be inching toward a midlife crisis soon. For a man in Baton Rouge, that means the acquiring of certain goods and services that will help make me feel successful, secure, and most importantly, virile.
I’m going to wear it with a black T-shirt when I take my fake-tittied mistress out to Sullivan’s on Thursday night and look like a douchebag.
That’s why I went local this year. All of these items may be acquired through local businesses (to the best of my knowledge, and frankly, all my research was fairly half-assed).
Thanks again, Red Shtickers, for making it another magical year!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Cutrer’s Meat Market’s “Stock Your Freezer” package ($308). Why choose what cut you want when you can just eat a whole pig and cow?
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): 2013 Nissan GT-R, Royal Nissan ($96,820). You haven’t seen anything Asian move this fast since George Takei went to an all-you-can-eat fellatio bar.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Patek Phillipe men’s Calatrava in white gold, Lee Michael’s Fine Jewelry ($17,000 est.; price upon request). Yes, this is a watch that costs more than the down payment on a decent house. And yes, they are trying to sell this in one of the most economically strenuous periods in modern times. AND YES, watches are completely irrelevant in a time when we all have atomic clocks on our phones. But “¦ it’ll make me feel fancy-pants.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Gift card for Dinner for Two, Texas de Brazil ($200). I’ll admit that there are far better steaks in Baton Rouge. Hell, there are far better meat restaurants in Baton Rouge at less than half the price. But tell me where else you can get endless “lobster” bisque.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): 2013 Harley-Davidson FLD Dyna Switchback, Harley-Davidson of Baton Rouge (I can’t tell you the price because they do that bull crap where you have to call for a quote so they can rope you into buying something even if you’re just price checking, but around $16,000). Why wouldn’t you buy me this? It costs less than a watch.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Terrace rental for me and 74 of my friends, Tsunami ($200/hour, 2-hour minimum). We’ll probably stick to drinks and appetizers because the sushi is crap, but my goodness, look at that view.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): L’Auberge Party After Dark Package with tickets to Morris Day and the Time on September 6 (tickets $50, package price varies). Morris Day and the M-F’in’ TIME!!! My jungle love, ha, I think I want to show ya (show ya)!
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Bespoke suit, Perlis ($decidedly overpriced). It doesn’t matter how much time and effort went into it; I’m going to wear it with a black T-shirt when I take my fake-tittied mistress out to Sullivan’s on Thursday night and look like a douchebag.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Eliminator Daytona 36′, David Weber Marine ($250,000+). When I go to the Amite River on Saturday, I want to cruise in between the no-wake zones in as big a peni- … I mean, in as fun, safe, and completely reasonable mode of aquatic transportation as possible.
Nothing makes a Baton Rouge man feel more successful than having a black man in a fancy suit bring him a marginal steak.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): City Club membership (about $150/month, per Tigerdroppings.com). Nothing makes a Baton Rouge man feel more successful than having a black man in a fancy suit bring him a marginal steak. If Paula Deen can be defended for it, so can I and all my new “friends.”
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): AR-15, Cabela’s in Gonzales ($don’t matter!!!). It doesn’t matter that I’ve never owned a gun before. I need a high-powered rifle in a suburban setting before Obama says I can’t have one. Thank goodness retailers are stocking them regularly again at half the price they were in December. Man, I’d really feel like a gullible, media-driven dumbass if I’d bought one eight months ago. Jeesh.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Tomberlin Shelby GT-500 golf cart, Golf Cars of Louisiana ($it would only make you angry). As a well-to-do adult male who lives in a quiet neighborhood, there is no accessory that better conveys one’s detachment from reality more than a golf cart used solely for cruising the neighborhood. That is, unless it’s this one. It looks like a sportscar. It drives like a golf cart. It’s stupidly expensive. I hate my wife, kids, and life so much that this purchase makes sense to me. I’ll take two.