LSU Football Fans Spend Summer Preparing for Saban Mindfuck

Instead of kicking back and relaxing on vacation, many Tiger football fans are passing the dog days of summer mentally preparing to ward off being brain-raped by Alabama head coach Nick Saban.

Countless LSU fans are practicing yoga, tai chi, and transcendental meditation to protect themselves from Saban’s emotional sodomy.

“I figured Jesus wouldn’t mind me chanting a few ‘oms’ to keep that asshole Saban from fucking with my head.”

Several Purple and Gold devotees say they’re engaging in such traditionally Eastern spiritual practices out of desperation to gird themselves against falling victim once again to another cranial screw job by the former LSU head coach.

“I grew up Catholic here in South Louisiana. I can’t tell you how many rosaries and novenas I’ve said for the Tigers to beat that son of a bitch Nick Saban,” LSU supporter Ben Clement said.

“I always thought that meditation crap was a bunch of bullshit,” Clement explained, “but my buddy at the chemical plant said it helped him when his old lady left his ass a couple years ago. So I figured Jesus wouldn’t mind me chanting a few ‘oms’ to keep that asshole Saban from fucking with my head.”

Meanwhile, Tiger fan Linda Grizzaffi said she’s been getting ready for the upcoming season by practicing yoga at least five times a week, but only after her husband of 15 years gave her an ultimatum.

“Nick Saban has always toyed with my emotions since he took over at Bama, but it got so bad last year, Richard told me to either quit watching football, get my act together, or get the hell out of the house,” Grizzaffi said. “I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t have wanted to live with me, either.”

“Saban is like the Hannibal Lecter of college sports.”

Grizzaffi continued, “Day after day, Saban was totally in my head. Even on those rare occasions when Richard and I had sex, I still couldn’t think of anything but that bastard in Tuscaloosa. Saban is like the Hannibal Lecter of college sports.”

In light of this latest trend, the LSU Athletic Department has issued a statement discouraging fans from practicing yoga in Tiger Stadium during games.

“Given the amount of alcohol that is typically consumed on game day,” the statement reads, “we strongly encourage fans to refrain from assuming certain yoga poses that could invite boorish behavior (i.e., ‘downward facing dog’), especially in the student section.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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