July 2013 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from June 1-30, 2013:

10. Raquel G., 41, 1st-offense DWI, disturbing the peace, driver’s license not on person, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and driving with open vehicle doors.
Rolling down the windows wasn’t enough after Raquel cut a hellacious fart in the car. She had to open the doors.

9. Hollis O., 44, 1st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, illegal possession of stolen firearms, and possession of a firearm with drugs.
Hollis apparently likes to get blazed before he comes out blazing.

[pullquote]Bag of weed? Check.
Psychedelic-colored pipe? Check.
Driver’s license? Fuck it.[/pullquote]

8. Angela M., 49, 1st-offense DWI, cruelty to the infirmed, exploitation of the infirmed, simple battery, entering/remaining after forbidden, and a violation of protective orders.
That’ll teach that old, decrepit bat on a Rascal to cut off Angela.

7. Lester N., 24, 1st-offense DWI, fugitive from justice, aggravated obstruction of a public highway, resisting an officer, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Most people on the run from the law don’t park their ass in the middle of traffic, Lester.

And you thought THIS guy was scary.
And you thought THIS Dexter M. was scary.

6. Dexter M., 38, 2nd-offense DWI and driving with a suspended license for a prior offense.
Holy crap! What’s scarier than Dexter M. slicing up people in Miami on Showtime on Sunday nights? Dexter M. driving around Baton Rouge streets while liquored up ANY night of the week!

5. Micah M., 24, 2nd-offense DWI, following too close, possession of drug paraphernalia, driver’s license not in possession, improper lane usage, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of marijuana, and disobeying a red light.
Bag of weed? Check.
Psychedelic-colored pipe? Check.
Driver’s license? Fuck it.

4. Monica T., 36, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, resisting an officer, and flight from an officer.
In the words of Lionel Richie: “You’re once, twice, three times arrested!”

3. Jordan S., 26, 3rd-offense DWI, disobeying a red light, flight from an officer, and insurance required.
Jordan tried to run away from authorities after lots of drinking and subsequent leaking. Too bad he wasn’t offered asylum in Venezuela.

Edward S. : His liver :: Aaron Hernandez : Odin Lloyd

2. Kevin N., 31, 4th-offense DWI, driving with a suspended/revoked license, and improper lane usage.
Kevin often drinks alone because he drove his former drinking buddies crazy by constantly asking bartenders about gluten-free beers.

1. Edward S, 30, 5th-offense DWI and simple obstruction of a public highway.
Friends call Edward “Aaron Hernandez” because he murders his liver. Too bad he can’t trade it in for a new one like Patriot fans can trade in Hernandez jerseys.

Congratulations, Edward. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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