‘Cause I’m Third-most Proud to Be an American

HorrorscopesThe theaters are full of patriotic action flicks, fireworks stands are popping up all over the place, and my balls are sticking to my legs. It must be July.

Fat-American-Scooter-GunThere’s something about the heat that gets people up in arms. While our country is celebrating its independence on the fourth, they’re also celebrating Independence Day in Somalia, Surinam, Belarus, Algeria, South Sudan, Argentina, the Bahamas, Colombia, Belgium, the Maldives, Peru, and Vanuatu. That’s not even taking into account other celebrations of upheaval such as Keti Koti, Bastille Day, Revolution Day, and Canada Day (which isn’t so much about revolution as it’s about three British colonies getting together to become Canada, but as I understand it, there were some very tense negotiations, which is pretty scandalous for Canadians).

We lead the globe in the export of horses. And no, they aren’t being ridden.

Now, I know there are a lot of you who are going to celebrate with fireworks, barbecues, and beer. That’s fine, if you want to use Chinese, Caribbean, and Sumerian innovations to show your patriotism. However, if you want to be really American this Fourth of July, might I suggest some things you could do that are truly patriotic?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Get fat. Oh, you saw this one coming “¦ fatty. The U.S. leads the globe in obesity, followed by Mexico (we gave them Taco Bell) and the U.K. (have you seen their breakfasts?!).

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Get a facelift. There are more plastic surgeons here than anywhere else on the planet. Which might explain”¦

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get your boobs done. It’s no surprise we lead the globe in breast augmentation. Thanks, David Hasselhoff.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Raise and export a horse. We lead the globe in the export of horses. And no, they aren’t being ridden.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Have the 50th-longest erect penis in the world: 5.1″ average, ladies. Ecuador leads the planet with 6.9″. Must be all that ceviche.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Die a violent death. Despite being seventh globally in homicides, we lead in violent deaths.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Be a Christian. America has more Christians than any other country. Not percentage-wise (that would be Vatican City; boy, do they love some Jesus), but just in sheer numbers, which leads to”¦

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be Jewish. The United States has more Jews than any other country. We have 50,000 to 80,000 more than Israel AND we produced Mel Brooks.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Don’t like Americans. As much as we like our country, we don’t like its citizens. Kenyans like us more than we do (because we’re easy to beat in marathons) but not nearly as much as the Japanese. We rank third in liking Americans, followed closely by France. I know, right?! That statue really was a love note.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Go to jail. We lead the world in incarcerations. In fact, there are more American kids with parents in prison than kids with parents in the service. Sesame Street even recently introduced a Muppet kid with a parent in jail to help children deal with it.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Get inked. About 40% of American adults are tattooed, and 59% of those are women. Do yourself a favor: Research your artist and be prepared to pay good money for good work. That $20 tramp stamp will come back to haunt you later (talking to you, Mee Maw).

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Buy a gun. This is the most American thing you can do. For every 100 Americans, there are 94.3 guns. If that doesn’t impress you, the next-closest country on the list is Yemen with about 55 per 100, and they’re in the same neighborhood as Iran, Sudan, and Somalia. We’re next door to Canada and Mexico.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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