June 2013 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from May 1-31, 2013:

10. Pedro V., 30, 1st-offense DWI, hit-and-run, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license required/expired.
Pedro’s from Ashdown, AZ. If you had to listen to nonstop, crappy Napoleon Dynamite jokes, you’d drive 1,300 miles and get drunk, too.

9. Masabulala B., 33, 1st-offense DWI, hit-and-run, flight from an officer, disobeying a red light, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
We don’t really know why we bothered only listing Masabulala’s last initial. As far as we can tell, he (or she?) is the only person in the United States with that name. If you can use Google, you can find out what the B stands for, thanks to Masabulala’s tragically creative parents.

8. Loraine M., 56, 1st-offense DWI, domestic abuse battery, resisting an officer, simple criminal damage to property, disturbing the peace by intoxication, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
We’d say Loraine is giving us a glimpse at what Amanda Bynes will be like when she’s 56, but we all know Amanda won’t come close to living that long.

7. Adam L., 29, 1st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, text messaging prohibited, possession of drug paraphernalia, driver’s license suspended/revoked, improper lane usage, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
dude im soooooo freekn stond rt now! lol!

6. Kevin G., 45, 2nd-offense DWI and fugitive from justice.
Too bad Kevin couldn’t drive to Hong Kong, then to Moscow, where he could’ve hung out with Vladimir Putin. Baton Rouge cops never would’ve caught him.

If only Christopher’s hit-and-run had involved a fatality, he’d be qualified to be Livingston Parish School Board president.

5. Keith W., 25, 3rd-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Keith is pissed with CATS for not creating direct bus routes from his house to every bar in town.

4. Adrian C., 21, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, registration required in vehicle, driver’s license not on person, following too close, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.
Do you know how hard it is to steer while rolling a blunt AND Instagramming a selfie?

Malcolm-Sibley
Livingston Parish School Board President Malcolm Sibley

3. Christopher F., 29, 3rd-offense DWI, hit-and-run, reckless operation of a vehicle, and first-degree vehicular negligent injuring.
If only Christopher’s hit-and-run had involved a fatality, he’d be qualified to be Livingston Parish School Board president.

2. Kenneth B., 48, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, possession of marijuana, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, seat belt violation, and registration commercial vehicles exemption.
Man, the neighborhood kids are going to miss Kenneth “The Ice Cream/Weed Man” this summer.

1. Christopher P., 31, 4th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control/careless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, negligent vehicular injuring, and possession of drug paraphernalia.
So Christopher had drug paraphernalia in his car. Big deal. He lives in Lafayette. Over there, drug paraphernalia in cars is like blankets and nonperishable food in Canadian vehicles in wintertime. They’re standard equipment.

Congratulations, Christopher. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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November 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Louisiana's X Games: Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from October 1-31, 2014.