Why the Hell Is the FBI Looking for Jimmy Hoffa?

From The Publisher

The FBI has spent the greater part of this week and God-knows-how-much manpower and taxpayer-funded resources looking for Jimmy Hoffa’s body … again.

Hoffa-Milk-CartonThe former Teamsters union leader was last seen in the parking lot of a suburban Detroit restaurant in 1975. He was declared dead in absentia seven years later.

Despite numerous leads and efforts to find him in the 38 years since his disappearance, neither the FBI, nor anyone else, has been able to irrefutably determine what happened to Hoffa.

So why the hell are the feds still trying to find his body? To prove that he really is dead?

I’ve got a solid lead for the FBI: Hoffa’s dead. And you’re not going to find him. Period. Now how about looking for criminals who are still breathing and want to do bad shit to us?

How do I know for certain Hoffa’s dead and the FBI won’t find him? Two words: Detroit Mafia.

How do I know for certain Hoffa’s dead and the FBI won’t find him? Two words: Detroit Mafia.

First, Detroit is where things go to die: industry, civilization, NFL coaching careers. Detroit is America’s graveyard. I couldn’t think of a better place for a former union leader who had become a thorn in the side of the then-current Teamsters leadership to meet his demise.

Secondly, Hoffa reportedly was going to meet with a Detroit Mafia captain when he vanished. That right there should be sufficient reason for the FBI to drag up and go home.

He was trying to muscle his way back into power in an organization known for thuggery and mob ties by allegedly meeting with a Detroit Mafia captain? And you’ve been looking for him for 38 years?

Hoffa's closest friends called him "Verbal," too.
Hoffa’s closest friends called him “Verbal,” too.

Why not try finding Keyser Söze instead? You’d have better luck. Hoffa was made to disappear by people who are arguably the best at making people disappear. For-real disappear, not David Copperfield disappear.

Many theorize that Hoffa was entombed in concrete at Giants Stadium in New Jersey. Others say he was either ground up and thrown into a Florida swamp or liquidated in a mob-owned fat-rendering plant.

In 2003, authorities dug up a backyard swimming pool 90 miles northwest of Detroit looking for his remains. Seven years ago, they spent two weeks searching and excavating a horse farm in that same area. Last year, they took soil samples from under a concrete floor of a backyard shed north of the city. Detectives even pulled up floorboards in a Detroit house in 2004.

Vher vud zeh fohmah Teamstahs leadah be hideeng?
Vher vud zeh fohmah Teamstahs leadah be hideeng?

Floorboards? Who the hell was leading that investigation? Colonel Hans Landa? No, because he’d be smart enough to realize that even he couldn’t find Jimmy Hoffa, no matter if Hoffa was Jewish or not.

Most of these wasted efforts and the current search for Hoffa were prompted by what the FBI calls “tips” from Mafia figures. I call them entertainment for aging mobsters who like yanking the FBI’s chain and watching them chase a goddam ghost.

Turns out in real life, Ferris Bueller's principal enjoyed looking at more than just kids' absentee records on his computer.
Turns out that in real life, Ferris Bueller’s principal enjoyed looking at more than just kids’ absentee records on his computer.

Seriously, why the hell are we still wasting time and money looking for whatever the hell might be left of Hoffa? Are we really a country of Principal Rooneys who demand to see a body before believing someone is really dead?

And what if they do happen to find him? Then what? The FBI will hold a press conference lauding the efforts of the agents who spent untold resources to prove what we already knew? Wow, that’d be awesome.

Unless the president is willing to declare war on hide and seek, I say it’s time the feds finally give up looking for Hoffa.

But you know what would be even more awesome than the feds announcing that they found Jimmy Hoffa? The feds announcing that they found a cure for cancer. Why doesn’t the FBI ask old Mafia leaders where the hell that’s buried?

Now, I’m not saying people shouldn’t try to solve the mystery of what happened to him. I’m just asking why the FBI is still pursuing this fool’s errand. At what point do they finally say “fuck it”?

If private citizens really want to find Hoffa, let them waste their own time and money doing it. Hell, they could probably get their own reality TV show like those idiots looking for Bigfoot.

Better yet, it wouldn’t cost a penny of taxpayer money, nor would it divert manpower from fighting the war on terror, the war on crime, the war on drugs, or any other domestic war we’ve declared since the Nixon administration. Unless the president is willing to declare war on hide and seek, I say it’s time the feds finally give up looking for Hoffa.

And before you even mention D.B. Cooper, I can totally understand the FBI still investigating that case. At least when he fell off the 727 – and the grid – he did so with a shitload of cash.

According to the eponymously titled movie, on the other hand, the only thing Hoffa got away with was a book and three slugs in his corpse.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Jeremy White

Jeremy White
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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