I Love It When You Call Me “Big Father”

HorrorscopesEither it’s June in Louisiana or I’ve fallen asleep and woken up inside the vagina of a feverish blue whale.

June and I had a torrid love affair from my kindergarten year until I graduated from college, at which point the summer no longer meant freedom. Having grown up, June just represents having to go to the office in muggy weather, spending the day in slightly funky clothes, and then going home in a pizza oven with wheels.

You get a Sunday in June when your ability to procreate like every other living thing on Earth is celebrated as though it were more akin to parting the Red Sea than busting a nut.

Now in my 30s, June should have become my new December, the trade-off for adult males being that although people no longer buy you Christmas gifts, you get a Sunday in June when your ability to procreate like every other living thing on Earth is celebrated as though it were more akin to parting the Red Sea than busting a nut.

I can make that joke about Father’s Day; men, you see, have a sense of humor. Women are not devoid of a sense of humor, but they are more likely to take offense at anyone who questions the fact that their ability to produce a human deserves never-ending praise.

You don't hear her bitching.
You don’t hear her bitching.

Guess what, ladies? Of the approximately 5,488 species of mammal on the planet, you are among the least frequent to give birth and most likely to produce a single offspring when it happens. The only mammals that produce young more infrequently are giant pandas, and we all secretly hate them for it.

Nine months of pregnancy? Elephants carry their young for two years.

And enough with breaking your own arm to pat yourself on the back for giving birth naturally. Kiwis lay an egg that can be a quarter of their body weight without the benefit of a midwife, episiotomy, or belt of whiskey.

Maury-You-Are-The-FatherAlas, my desire to sleep in on a regular basis trumped my biological drive to reproduce, and I don’t get a Father’s Day gift. I do get to stay up late, play video games, go out on weeknights, eat what I feel like eating, drive an impractical automobile, own a motorcycle without a sense of guilt, experience disposable income, copulate at my leisure, and avoid spending hundreds of thousands of dollars and 18 years of my life on offspring that will ultimately disappoint/despise me.

Admittedly, being a dad is hard work, which may explain why Louisiana has so many single mothers (or maybe males in this state long ago forgot how to be men; it’s a toss-up).

So if your dad had the wherewithal of a swan, prairie vole, albatross, coyote, gibbon, penguin, beaver, bald eagle, wolf, termite, or barn owl, why not get him something he could really use this Father’s Day?

HINT: Sasha Grey is not pretending to brush her teeth.
HINT: Sasha Grey is not pretending to brush her teeth.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A BJ. (preferably from his significant other, but hey, Plank Road does have a thriving nightlife). Men who ejaculate upward of 21 times a month lower their prostate cancer risk by as much as 33%, according to the National Cancer Institute.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Booze. It doesn’t even have to be good booze. Anything that can help him not feel feelings anymore is greatly appreciated.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Cigars. Once again, they don’t have to be pricey; most guys can’t tell the difference, anyway. Hand your dad a fistful of El Cheapos with the bands removed and repackaged in an A. Fuente wooden box (most cigar stores sell their empties), and he’ll feel like the Godfather for an afternoon.

Let’s just assume that regular BJs can fight everything from Alzheimer’s to the common cold.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Porn. I’m not talking about the readily available, free, and incredibly well-produced stuff on the internet. I’m talking old school magazines: Playboy with a Penthouse chaser to balance out all the culture. There’s a certain excitement to holding a dirty magazine in your hand that takes any guy born before 1990 back to his childhood. Speaking of which “¦

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A Nintendo Entertainment System. 99% of current dads (fathers with children under 16 who aren’t Pablo Picasso) had an NES, and presenting them with just the core system and “Super Mario Bros.” (as low as $20 on eBay) would blow their minds.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): 30 minutes of GUARANTEED alone time in the house. He’ll know what to do with it.

AMERICA! SUCK YEAH!
AMERICA! SUCK YEAH!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A BJ. Receiving oral sex has shown to be a foolproof way of relieving stress and thus lowering blood pressure, helping to fight our state’s painfully high heart disease rate.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A day at the go-kart track. It doesn’t matter how old a man gets or how long he’s been driving: Go-karts will always rule.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Tickets to Fast and Furious 6 without judgment. He may not admit it, but every man on Earth wants to watch this movie and yell encouragement at the screen without getting stupid looks.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): LEGOs. Any set, any size. A box of LEGOs and the time to put them together will put a smile on any man’s face.

Oh, but you're too much of a lady to do that.
Oh, but you’re too much of a lady to do that sort of thing?

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): A BB gun and a box of empty soda cans. Daisy’s Model 105 runs about $23 at Wal-Mart, and soda cans are free if you can wrestle them away from the homeless. Add a backyard with a solid fence and a couple beers, and you’ve made your dad’s day.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): A BJ. The combined relaxation and prostate workout can help lower the risk of colon cancer. In fact, at this point, let’s just assume that regular BJs can fight everything from Alzheimer’s to the common cold.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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