As president of ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, I realize many LSU fans are disappointed over the network’s decision to limit coverage of the regional round of the 2013 NCAA baseball championship to our website.
Many of you have expressed frustration over the fact that you don’t have internet connectivity and, therefore, will not be able to enjoy seeing regional games from historic Alex Box Stadium.
I wanted to take this opportunity to say that everyone at ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, heard you loud and clear. Point well taken.
It’s time for you to shut the fuck up and join the 21st century. Haul your barefoot, retarded asses to an electronics retailer and pick up a router.
But now, it’s time for you to shut the fuck up and join the 21st century. Haul your barefoot, retarded asses to an electronics retailer and pick up a router.
That’s right, it’s called a router. I know that’s difficult for you inbred rednecks to pronounce, much less wrap your reptilian brains around, but this newfangled, space-age technology has been around for, oh, I don’t know, about 15 fucking years now.
I mean, Jesus tap-dancing Christ, you bunch of mouth breathers, how hard can this be? Quit whining and go buy a $50 piece of hardware that doesn’t require much more than plugging it in and running a goddam self-install wizard. You can get one the next time you’re in Walmart loading up on hooker clothes and Cheez-its.
Go to electronics and ask the nice young man for a router. That’s R-O-U-T-E-R. Rhymes with “¦ oh, Christ. It’s a fucking router, you stupid shitheads.
And while we’re at it, we need to get something straight right goddam now. ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, just paid a shitload of money for the rights to SEC sports. We own it, you fucking idiots. Its ours, and we can do whatever the fuck we want.
Why does ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, offer web-only broadcasts that make it harder for some viewers to watch? Because it’s easier for us, Buford, and we own the rights. That’s all you need to fucking know, OK?
This is part of the deal. It’s how LSU and its fine, upstanding, pure-as-the-driven-snow conference brethren will be able to keep bribing steroid-riddled 18-year-old mutants into spending a few drug-induced years at your campus while we all jerk each other off over academics. Fuck me. And fuck you.
You don’t like the way we handle things at ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports? Here’s a Plan B. Instead of a router, why don’t you bunch of green-teeth shitheads buy your own goddam network? Then you can deal with complaints from the two or three human beings who are actually dumber than you.
Geaux Tigers, and good luck in the tournament!