GUEST COLUMN: “Why Treat Me So Bad?!” – Amanda Bynes’ Bong

Off the WireShattered-Bong-Amanda-BynesWhy, Amanda? Why did you have to go and throw me out your 36th-floor apartment window? I know you were high that night, but you weren’t nearly high enough to think I could fly, right?

I mean, I know there were occasions I got you baked like a batch of Toll House cookies, which you then promptly devoured. Those were good times we had together.

But I know you weren’t that stoned. So why DID you toss my fragile being toward certain doom on the concrete below? I mean, why treat me so bad?

We were so close. Some might say inseparable, which makes your betrayal really hurt. Well, that and the 360-foot drop.

Was it merely because the police entered your apartment? Were you suddenly ashamed of me and instinctively tried to disassociate yourself from me at any cost, including my life?

That might explain why you’re now going around telling people you threw a vase out the window.

I AM – or at least WAS – A BONG, AMANDA! Who the hell wraps their lips every night around a goddam vase?!?

We were so close. Some might say inseparable, which makes your betrayal really hurt. Well, that and the 360-foot drop.

When you were gone, I used to sit alone and wait for you to come home. I’d spend the hours thinking about you sucking on me over and over again. It made me feel good knowing I made you feel good.

Day after day, night after night, I helped you forget about your flailing career with my sweet, bubbly herb. And you repay me by treating me worse than a Chinese baby flushed down a toilet?

Amanda, you broke my heart. And my neck. And my bowl. And my stem. Hell, you even broke my fucking carb! WTF, girl?RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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