May 2013 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from April 1-30, 2013:

10. Isaac K., 18, 1st-offense DWI, improper lane usage, possession of Schedule I drugs, possession of firearm with drugs, and illegal possession of stolen firearms.
Goddam Obama! Damn communist is trying to take away a man’s guns just because they’re stolen and he’s carrying potentially hallucinogenic drugs. Where’s the NRA?

9. Terrance B., 36, 1st-offense DWI, motor vehicle inspection required/expired, hit-and-run, registration, commercial vehicles exemption, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, failure to maintain control/careless operation of a vehicle, seat belt violation, insurance required, improper lane usage, and fugitive from justice.
Wow! Terrance managed to get more charges than a typical nicad battery.

philadelphia tom hanks-andrew-beckett8. John G., 32, 1st-offense DWI, simple battery, aggravated criminal damage to property, aggravated assault, interfering with medical treatment, and intentional exposure to the AIDS virus.
Now we know how Philadelphia would have turned out had Andrew Beckett been a raging alcoholic.

7. Brian B., 54, 1st-offense DWI, possession of Schedule II drugs, license plate required, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of Schedule IV drugs, driver’s license required, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and possession of Schedule III drugs.
In its report of Brian’s arrest, The Advocate included an editor’s note clarifying that he is not the same Brian B. who’s a 50-year-old attorney in Baton Rouge. One is a blight on society, while the other was arrested for DWI and drugs.

Now we know how Philadelphia would have turned out had Andrew Beckett been a raging alcoholic.

6. Jack H., 29, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, following too close, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, possession/distribution of legend drugs, and possession of marijuana.
Hit the road, Jack … And the embankment. And the car you’re following. And that joint.

Vyacheslav Molotov5. Shannon M., 44, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control/careless operation of a vehicle, operating a vehicle while driver’s license suspended for prior offense, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
Shannon’s not quite sure who this Molotov guy is, but she heard he makes a mean cocktail that will get you bombed.

4. Timothy B., 33, 3rd-offense DWI, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, refusal of chemical test, required method of turning at intersections, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
Exactly how many methods of turning at an intersection ARE there?

3. Sandi H., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, driver’s license suspended/revoked, possession of drug paraphernalia, and operating a vehicle while driver’s license suspended for prior offense.
“Sandi H” is an anagram for “Hi nads.” That is all.

2. Kent H., 24, 4th-offense DWI, failure to yield at stop sign, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Kent is going to be so pissed when he finds out he’s not in The Hangover 3.

1. John D., 40, 5th-offense DWI and speeding.
Why was John speeding? Probably because he was racing home to find out if he had won the Judge Don Johnson Trophy! And he did!

Congratulations, John. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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November 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Louisiana's X Games: Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from October 1-31, 2014.