May is a magical month, full of events and holidays that we could discuss at length.
For instance, May 15 is the beginning of Tourette’s Awareness month (yes, the beginning) so we could PENIS NIPPLES
F–K LICK JESUS VAGINA FACE make some sort of tasteless jokes about a difficult illness. I, however, refuse to work blue.
Instead, let’s focus on what’s really important about May: your mom. Sure, we all know your mother is like both a doorknob and the town bicycle, but we are adults. On the second Sunday of May, the most sacred of holidays created by greeting card companies and spun into multibillion-dollar annual events, let us speak frankly about your mother and everything we all know to be true about her.
Your mother is so stupid that she finds everyday activities difficult to accomplish.
Facts about your mom:
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your mother is so unattractive that I would have no interest in sexual relations with her.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your mother is so obnoxious that, if I were seated at a table near hers in a restaurant, it is quite likely that I would ask the waiter if I could move to another table farther away so I could enjoy my meal in peace.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your mom is so skinny that Vogue would not allow her to model for them due to their belief that she has an eating disorder.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your momma is so short that she can only purchase generic breakfast cereals, because they are usually found on the bottom shelf in the grocery stores.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your mother is so stupid that she finds everyday activities difficult to accomplish.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your mama’s so hairy that she could be diagnosed with hypertrichosis.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your mother is so old that it is quite likely she will die soon and the coroner will label it “natural causes.”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your mother is so promiscuous that, were I inclined, I could acquire any sort of sexual favor from her for free.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your mom is so poor that sometimes she has to return items at the checkout counter because she doesn’t have enough money to pay for them.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your mother is so fat that I’m concerned about her elevated chances of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your momma is so fat that, when she arrives at a Chinese buffet, the waiters bring out extra sesame chicken and eggrolls in anticipation of her enjoyment of fried foods.