April 2013 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from March 1-31, 2013:

10. Cornell Brown, 38, 1st-offense DWI, license plate required, reckless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and improper lane usage.
It’s fairly safe to say Cornell’s parents had higher hopes for him when they named him after two Ivy League schools.

9. Manuel Monjaras H., 21, 1st-offense DWI, operating a vehicle without a lawful presence in the United States, and failure to maintain control/careless operation.
If only Manuel were legally here, he could open a day laborer business called Manuel Labor.

It’s fairly safe to say Cornell’s parents had higher hopes for him when they named him after two Ivy League schools.

8. Seung L., 25, 1st-offense DWI, hit-and-run, reckless operation of a vehicle, and simple criminal damage to property.
Yes, because driving around with the name “Seung” on one’s driver’s license isn’t dangerous enough.

7. Telisha S., 37, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, disobeying a red light, driving on a sidewalk, driving over a median, and improper lane usage.
Either Telisha was super blitzed or she was trying to run over an ex-boyfriend.

6. Anthony G., 30, 2nd-offense DWI, headlights required, reckless operation of a vehicle, unnecessary noise prohibited, and driver’s license not in possession.
Well, even though Anthony didn’t turn on his headlights, at least they could hear him coming.

5. Julie V., 36, 2nd-offense DWI, domestic abuse battery, and open container in the vehicle.
Julie is a mean drunk. The only thing that makes her more mean than drinking is her husband telling her she’s had too much to drink.

4. Catrice B., 29, 2nd-offense DWI, resisting an officer, flight from an officer, improper lane usage, and battery of a police officer.
Wow, another violently drunk woman. Maybe they’re suffering from roid rage after trying to artificially enhance their BACS performances.

3. Jill J., 38, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, possession of marijuana, and operating a vehicle while driver’s license suspended for prior offense.
This girl Jill drank down some swill
While holding a bit of dank.
She drove ’round, all over town.
And cops threw her in the tank.

every-which-way-but-loose-original
If you’re under 35, this is Clyde. He had a mean right.

2. Clyde P., 50, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and hit-and-run.
No one likes riding shotgun with Clyde. Whenever his GPS tells him “right turn,” he punches the f–k out of them.

1. Clarity R., 22, 3rd-offense DWI, speeding, reckless operation of a vehicle, failure to signal, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, motor vehicle inspection required/expired, seat belt violation, flight from an officer, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
It seems Clarity likes getting hazy. One thing is clear: Clarity has won the Judge Don Johnson Trophy.

Congratulations, Clarity. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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November 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Louisiana's X Games: Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from October 1-31, 2014.