TNA Wrestles Its Way Inside of Us

There’s a storm brewing in the world of professional wrestling “¦ a storm of opportunity.

TNA_Gut-CheckOn Saturday, May 4, the storm will reach its peak at the center of rivers, known as the River Center. TNA Wrestling’s Gut Check Seminar will bring together the best of Baton Rouge’s No. 37 ranked wrestling talent pool.

Not a wrestler? TNA is looking for aspiring announcers, managers, referees, and valets as well.

How can you assess someone’s ability to manage a star’s career in two hours? Is there anything about this sh-t that isn’t fake?

What the f–k is a valet, you ask? … Googling “¦ It’s a talentless person who provocatively walks the wrestlers from the dressing room to the ring. It’s harder to park cars in a small garage.

So, they are going to assess the abilities of hopefuls for all of these different roles and give advice and critiques in two hours? How can you assess someone’s ability to manage a star’s career in two hours? Is there anything about this sh-t that isn’t fake?

TNA: The wrestling might be fake, but the douchebags are real.
TNA: The wrestling might be fake, but the douchebags are real.

This all reminds me of when my dad took me to an “audition” at age 12. We were herded into a small room and given small scripts to practice. It tasted just like an audition up to that point.

I was nervous, but I read my lines diligently and tried my best to prepare. My character was a 12-year-old boy who wanted some juice. I was 12 years old and thirsty, but somehow I managed to f–k it up and suck anyway.

Even at that age, I knew my audition was sh-t, but I was showered with praise from the “scouts.” It was like dropping the game-winning pass in the end zone and then getting a nosebleed and crying, but everyone was cheering and carrying me off the field chanting “MVP.” Emotions were mixed.

Next, I was directed to an even smaller room with the rest of the trolls. (This building was like a giant set of Russian dolls.) They told us how above-average all of us were, and then they passed out folders of portfolios we could purchase. Aha!!! Bullsh-t!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am very confident in the legitimacy of a professional wrestling career seminar. Let’s take a look at the itinerary:

You too could be part of this elite collective!
You, too, could be part of this elite collective!

2 p.m.: A tumor of tribal tattoos, chinstrap beards, back acne and clownishly made-up women who managed to scrape together the $250 participation fee squeeze themselves through the front doors.

2:10 p.m.: Insecure small talk and sizing up of competition.

2:30 p.m.: A semi-recognizable former pro wrestler comes out to semi-recognizable applause.

2:30 p.m.: A semi-recognizable former pro wrestler comes out to semi-recognizable applause.

2:31 p.m.: Lies and propaganda.

2:45 p.m.: Assessment of skills.

2:50 p.m.: Beef jerky and energy drink lunch.

3 p.m.: Diarrhea musical toilets.

3:30 p.m.: The reddening – an unnaturally red person explains how we as a people can make ourselves redder.

3:45 p.m.: Homoerotic compliment session – it’s gonna get weird.

4 p.m.: Everyone heads to City Bar, The Office, or another douchey place and waits five hours for it to open.

And they all try again next year.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Michael Atkinson

Michael Atkinson
Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

Check Also

Ragu Member in Hot Water for Not Watching LSU Replay

Matt "Moose" Schevsky jeopardized his future with the Krewe of Ragu, after other members of the LSU fan club discovered he did not watch the replay of last year's LSU-Arkansas football game.