In Louisiana, April showers most certainly do not bring May flowers. The flowers never left; at no point in our “winter” does it really get cold enough to kill off the flowers if you’re nice enough to throw a blanket over them when we get a freeze warning.
Instead, April showers bring the muggy warmth that follows you around like a morbidly obese jogger breathing open-mouthed on the back of your neck. April is disgusting.
Normally, I take advantage of April Fools’ Day to offer a list of pranks to pull on your friends, family, and coworkers, but I’m a little late this month “¦ which is going to make this year’s list of pranks WAAAYYYYY BETTER!!! No one is going to see them coming, what with April Fools’ Day being a year off. This is going to be epic!!!
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Air horns can be purchased at the dollar store in packs of two. We’ve all seen them under office chairs and behind doors, but what about all the chairs and doors? Your coworkers will have PTSD by the end of the day.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Super Glue instantly bonds plastic to skin. Keyboard keys pop off with minimal resistance. Do the math.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Generic gelatin dessert sells for about a quarter a box, meaning you could fill a 50-gallon drum for about $100. What can we fit in a 50-gallon drum? Now all you need is a restaurant willing to let you borrow its walk-in fridge.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Any good interior designer will tell you that nothing has quite the bang for the buck when redecorating as paint. Perhaps you know someone whose office/home/car could use some sprucing up. I know it sounds over the top, but it’s easy to do over the weekend and just as easy to cover up. Unless you do their car, of course, in which case might I suggest the General Lee or Smokey and the Bandit themes.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Gift-wrapping someone’s belongings is always a treat, but consider going a step further and using tinfoil. Make sure to pay attention to details. For instance, straighten out their paper clips, wrap them, and bend them back.
Super Glue instantly bonds plastic to skin. Keyboard keys pop off with minimal resistance. Do the math.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Zip ties are far cheaper than should be legally allowed (you can get about 650 at Home Depot for $9). Let the muses speak to you with this one. Silverware, scissor handles, the sink sprayer … just do what feels right.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Digital watches can be purchased in large quantities on eBay. Set the alarms to different times and hide them. If you want to be extra-meta, try fitting one into the smoke detector.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Everyone loves getting mail. Thankfully, most supermarkets have a wall of brochures for places that want nothing more than to receive someone’s address and send him some. Oftentimes, they’re nice enough to give said address to other willing companies. A stuffed mailbox is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Have you ever been to Craigslist’s “Missed Connections” page? Help a friend meet new people by posting something especially vague such as: “Saw you in Wal-mart. You were wearing jeans and a winning smile.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Fill your victim’s office/car/home with balloons. Water balloons. Not enough for you? Fill half of the balloons with vinegar and food coloring and spoon baking soda into the other half and inflate them. Leave jacks all over the floor.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Buy $20 worth of neon tetras (should get you about a dozen) and upper-deck your friend’s toilet. Next time he flushes, his toilet will magically fill with glowing little fish. It will be miraculous.