Matthew Devore: A man who looks at a flat tire with the dispair of a Werner Hertzog film.

BACS Honorable Mention: Matthew Devore

Blood-Alcohol-Championship-SeriesMatthew Devore, of Logansport, IN, is living proof that even if you’re not a particularly heavy drinker, you can still earn recognition in the BACS, as long as you sufficiently hate your life and engage in self-destructive behavior.

The 24-year-old Devore reportedly started his evening this past Sunday innocently enough playing darts, an activity that involves hurling piercing-sharp projectiles across an occasionally crowded room, typically while consuming large amounts of alcohol.

Devore must have played poorly, because hours later, he would tell police he “decided to punch a wall” after playing darts. Well, those bloody knuckles he gave himself certainly won’t help him hit the triple 20, that’s for sure.

A test revealed Devore had a whopping 0.09% blood-alcohol level, or as our Sunny Weathers calls it, “morning breath.”

Eventually, Devore got behind the wheel of his 1996 Toyota and drove like a man who had just punched a wall because he sucks at darts. He apparently also sucks at driving with the slightest amount of alcohol in his system.

Police say Devore lost control of his 17-year-old Toyota on the interstate and drove into the grassy median. He was still able to drive the car back onto the highway, deputies said, but Devore’s spirit was completely broken when he realized he had – brace yourself – a flat tire.

Matthew Devore: A man who looks at a flat tire with the dispair of a Werner Hertzog film.
Matthew Devore: A man who looks at a flat tire with the soul-crushing despair of a Werner Herzog film.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT A FLAT TIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYTHING – FLESH-EATING BACTERIA, STAGE 4 CANCER, AIDS – ANYTHING BUT A FLAT TIRE!!!

Yep, the man was completely broken at the sight of a flat tire. And who could blame him? After all, if he sucked at darts AND sucked at driving, you know damn well he’d suck at changing a flat. Hell, he’d probably wind up with his Toyota upside-down on top of his darts-sucking self.

The director told him to channel his inner Devore.
The director told him to channel his inner Devore.

In any event, it’s at that point Devore decided to call 911 and report himself as a drunk driver, saying he needed to be taken off the roadway. Responding deputies charged Devore with DUI and transported him to the Jasper County Jail after a test revealed Devore had a whopping 0.09% blood-alcohol level, or as our Sunny Weathers calls it, “morning breath.”

As in most states, the legal limit in the Hoosier State is 0.08%, which means Devore was just as legally intoxicated as the Olsen Twins were legally bangable on their 18th birthday – JUST BARELY.

Two of the countless activities Matthew Devore does not excel at.
Two of the countless activities Matthew Devore does not excel at.

Police report that at the scene, Devore told them he was “sick of Indiana so he decided to go for a drive.” In fact, he was so sick of Indiana, he pounded like three whole domestic beers.

Whoa! Slow down there, Andy Dick! You better check yourself before you wreck your Toyota, which happened to be manufactured while you were in second grade.

Devore obviously handles feelings of depression about as well as he handles his alcohol, which happens to be about as well as he plays darts.

He needs to learn what most of us in Louisiana know: If you’re sick of the state in which you live, you don’t go for a ride. You just keep drinking until you forget how sh-tty your state is or until you pass out.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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