March 2013 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from February 1-28, 2013:

10. Phuc N., 28, 2nd-offense DWI, speeding, and improper lane usage.
Please let his middle name be Dat! Please let his middle name be Dat! Please let his middle name be Dat!

9. Passmore F., 38, 2nd-offense DWI, careless driving, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Given his history of failing roadside sobriety tests, maybe his parents should have named him PassLESS.

Wait, it’s against the law for Jesus to be in America? No wonder this country is going to sh-t!

8. Jesus F., 42,  2nd-offense DWI, operating a vehicle without a lawful presence in the United States, driver’s license required, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.
Wait, it’s against the law for Jesus to be in America? No wonder this country is going to sh-t!

7. Elodia Sanchez V., 33, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, insurance required, flight from an officer, driver’s license required, registration on motor vehicle, possession of alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, license plate switched, and registration/commercial vehicles exemption.
It looks like a few folks didn’t get their windows washed last month. Maybe Elodia needs to work on being more elusive next time around.

michael-lohan-sheer-shirt
Lindsay’s not the only one in her family who likes to show off her boobs.

6. Amanda L., 29, 2nd-offense DWI, speed unreasonable, driver’s license required/expired, resisting an officer, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, careless driving, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Who knew Michael Lohan had a long-lost daughter living in Denham Springs?

5. Robert H., 56, 3rd-offense DWI, driving left of center, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle.
Witnesses passing by said Robert’s performance of a roadside sobriety test for police resembled a scene from The Walking Dead.

4. James F., 27, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to dim headlights, driver’s license not on person, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
James occasionally ingests intoxicating liquids to the point that he’s practically comatose – or as Lil Wayne calls it, “a quiet night at home.”

Jon-Hamm-Penis
The term “going commando” has been replaced with “going Hamm.”

3. Alexander H., 24, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, improper lane usage, and driver’s license required.
Alexander is a lot like Mad Men star Jon Hamm, only instead of his penis, people can’t stop talking about his enormous weed stash.

2. Corey D., 30, 4th-offense DWI, vehicle approaching/entering intersection, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
Corey hails from the small town of West Helena, AR. He reportedly came to Baton Rouge because he drank all the booze there.

Nike-Tiger-Woods-Winning-Ad
Well … almost everything.

1. Jessie C., 44, 5th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, and unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test.
Like the Tiger Woods quote in that Nike ad said: “Winning takes care of everything” … except cirrhosis of the liver. Good luck with that, dude.

Congratulations, Jessie. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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November 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Louisiana's X Games: Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from October 1-31, 2014.