The only thing about March that matters to sensible adults is the 17th, St. Patrick’s Day. Aside from New Year’s Eve and your birthday, it’s the only day when it’s universally acceptable to get absolutely destroyed in public.
Living in Baton Rouge, we need to be careful where our drunken exploits take us. If you’re unlucky enough to be single and drunk in Baton Rouge on St. Pat’s, there’s a pretty good chance that, when you wake up the next morning, you’ll be taking home an interesting new microscopic buddy that’ll be living inside you and reproducing for the remainder of your life.
The Baton Rouge – Pint glass of Tin Roof, wiped across the labia of a local single and rimmed with salt. That’s more precaution than the average Baton Rougean takes on a Saturday night.
Baton Rouge was recently named the AIDS capital of the United States for the second year running. GO US!!!! Right? I mean, there are so few things we excel at right now, we have to take the kudos where we can. And while we’re at it, remember that, while the national herpes infection rate is one in five, here in BR, we beat the curve with a rate of one in four.
So, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day and our fair city, I’ve come up with a list of drinks named after celebrities with STDs. Enjoy.
But seriously, use a condom.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): The Baton Rouge – Pint glass of Tin Roof, wiped across the labia of a local single and rimmed with salt. That’s more precaution than the average Baton Rougean takes on a Saturday night.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Paris Hilton – Cosmopolitan with Grand Marnier, herpes, and a little umbrella. Sure, it has herpes, but look how fancy it is. Also known as a Jessica Alba (via Derek Jeter), Katie Holmes (infers Tom Cruise), Alyssa Milano, Janet Jackson, Victoria Beckham (infers David Beckham), Lindsay Lohan, or Britney Spears.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Evel Knievel – Shot of Everclear and hepatitis C, served on fire. Sure, it might hurt you on the way down, but you’ll die from something else.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Julia Sweeney – Three shots in a row: Hennesssy, Pom Wonderful, vodka. It’s not bad, and kind of funny, depending on what you serve it with.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Robin Williams – Pint glass of Crown Maple with herpes on the rim. A lot of fun at first, but by the time you finish it, it’s freaking annoying.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Chilled glass filled with malt liquor and gonorrhea. It’ll only burn you once. (Bonus points if you get the reference.)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Al Capone – Bathtub gin martini, garnished with a pearl onion soaked in syphilis. It’s expensive, but it’s really the taxes that’ll get you.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Michael Vick – Twelve-ounce can of Red Dog ale, opened in a plastic bucket full of water and herpes. It’s awful, but there are still people who’ll argue for you to ignore that because of its talent.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Naomi Judd – Rocks glass full of bourbon with a cherry soaked in hepatitis C floating in it. Served with a much younger, yet somehow less attractive, shot of your choice.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mr. Marcus – Yard glass full of Guinness and syphilis. Served with a fistful of straws. It’s big, black, and shared with your friends and coworkers.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Greg Louganis – Shot of Sambuca with grenadine floating on top. Shoot it, smear AIDS across your forehead, and slam your face against the bar.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Steven Tyler – Frozen margarita rimmed with hepatitis C. Tie the glass to your ankle before you pound the drink in one go. It begins as something fun, evolves into a headache, and then trails around behind you as something seemingly impossible to get rid of.