DNA Exonerates Ham Sandwich in Mama Cass’ Death

A ham sandwich long thought to be responsible for the 1974 death of singer Mama Cass Elliot has been vindicated by DNA evidence.

For over four decades, the ham sandwich was believed to have viciously choked Elliott to death in her London flat after a concert, a charge the ham sandwich has consistently and vehemently denied.

Results proved the ham sandwich was actually at a key party in Clearwater, FL, on the night in question.

The nonprofit legal organization The Innocence Project, which aims to exonerate the wrongly convicted, took on the ham sandwich’s case in 2009 after the DNA evidence came to light.

“The ham sandwich had always insisted it was nowhere near Elliot’s gullet the night she died,” Innocence Project spokesperson Paul Cates said. “When we learned there was DNA evidence that could indisputably prove the ham sandwich had been telling the truth all along, we wholeheartedly set forth to finally acquit it of any wrongdoing in the matter.”

Cates said that after much legal wrangling, lawyers at The Innocence Project eventually managed to get the evidence tested last month. Results proved the ham sandwich was actually at a key party in Clearwater, FL, on the night in question.

When asked why no one from the libidinous gathering ever came forward to corroborate the ham sandwich’s repeated claims of innocence, Cates theorized, “Probably because no one wanted to admit to fucking a ham sandwich.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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