Give Us Your Retired, Your Old, Your Decrepit Masses

From The Publisher

Old Fart SweaterWhen we first heard about Forbes calling Baton Rouge one of the 25 best places to retire, a bunch of us here at The Red Shtick thought Steve Forbes had gotten into the satire business.

Really? Baton Rouge is one of the 25 best places to retire according to Forbes magazine? Didn’t they also include Alexandria on that same list? This has GOT to be satire, right?

Wait, it’s NOT satire? You mean Steve Forbes ISN’T trying to relive his days as his alter ego Teve Torbes on Saturday Night Live?

One of the nation’s most respected publications seriously thinks the Big Raggedy is a great place to spend one’s twilight years? Just how f–ked up is the rest of the country?

So let me get this straight. One of the nation’s most respected publications seriously thinks the Big Raggedy is a great place to spend one’s twilight years? Just how f–ked up is the rest of the country?

I guess I can sort of see why they’d say the Capital City is friendly to retirees. With so many young people still leaving in droves, there’s less chance the old folks relocating here will have to worry about getting angrily honked at by a 20-something while they putter along at 25 mph in the left lane of Florida Boulevard.

Of course, they still have to worry about catching a slug as they soak in the sights while casually traveling our thoroughfares.

That’s because, while Forbes listed the pros on retiring to Baton Rouge as low cost of living, low housing costs, and a friendly tax climate, the one con was crime, which may ultimately explain why it put us on the list in the first place.

Baton-Rouge-Forbes-Retire
Forbes magazine pimping Baton Rouge … on Third Street, of course.

“What the hell are you talking about, Jeremy?” you may be asking yourself. Allow me to elucidate.

While Forbes listed crime as a reason NOT to retire to our fair city, it may actually be one of the biggest reasons TO retire here, especially if you’re concerned about not having enough squirreled away for your golden years.

Think about it. Forbes is a financial magazine. The people who read it are fiscally mindful, which means they’re probably afraid of outliving their retirement funds. And what better way to ensure you won’t do that than by living in a city where it’s not only relatively cheap to live, but where you also have a higher-than-normal chance of dying from violent crime before you run out of money?

If the Mayor’s Office and the Convention and Vistors Bureau were smart, they’d capitalize on this investment/lifestyle strategy with a catchy slogan to attract such financially responsible retirees, like the one our very own Knick Moore came up with: “Baton Rouge: Because dying while sitting in a car is cheaper than hospice.”

“Baton Rouge: Because dying while sitting in a car is cheaper than hospice.”

If you don’t get that reference, you must not know our contributor and Red Shtick Podcast regular Sunny Weathers very well. He’s asserted for quite some time that dying in a car is the leading cause of death in Baton Rouge.

Don’t believe it? Just read the news. “[So-and-so] died from gunshot wounds inflicted as he sat in a parked car.” These incidents typically happen around 1:30 a.m. in less-than-desirable parts of town, but still, given how prevalent dying while sitting in a parked car is around here, it may be safer to run a red light than to risk getting shot simply because you’re in a stationary vehicle.

Of course, there are those – like “Scene and Herd” and Features writer Ruby42 – who think the article is nothing more than a conspiracy to trick old people into moving to Baton Rouge so they’ll die off sooner rather than later. She theorizes that Forbes sees our city as some sort of Kevorkianesque metropolis where wealthy parents and grandparents can be convinced by their impatient, greedy heirs to “live.”

Like she said, what if you really wanna off Grandma so you can inherit her collection of Bradford Exchange George Strait collectible plates, but you also want to enjoy them, which means not chancing incarceration for killing her? That’s when you pick up your latest issue of Forbes magazine, thumb to the page that mentions Baton Rouge, and go to work selling her on the idea of moving here for the rest of her natural – and, hopefully, crime-shortened – life.

Honestly, who needs to hire a hit man through Soldier of Fortune when you have Forbes promoting Baton Rouge as an awesome place to die?RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Jeremy White

Jeremy White
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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