With the sequestration crisis no longer a crisis but now a safe reality, members of Congress went home for the weekend to rest up for the next crisis.
“People don’t realize how emotionally and physically demanding it can be to have a job where you don’t do anything for weeks but point your finger at other people for not doing their job,” noted one Congressman, who asked to be identified only as “Congressman X.”
“My doctor has warned me that the damage done to my shoulder from the constant finger-pointing will likely require rotator cuff surgery before my present term is up. But it’s the only politically acceptable way to hide the fact that I’m not doing my job, either.
“We did debate using “˜secastration’ for the next one, to impose a penalty on Congress if we didn’t work out a compromise, but no one would go for that.”
“And it’s not just the physical toll that makes this job so demanding,” continued Congressman X, who called Congress’ weekend breaks while the country faces one crisis after another “necessary rehabilitative periods after five days of complete mental inactivity.”
“The few brain cells all congressmen start out with would soon be lost to the effects of atrophy if we didn’t have the weekend break to engage in mentally stimulating activities,” X continued. “I spend my entire weekend trying to get the old brain working again – doing crossword puzzles, Sudoku, balancing my checking account.”
He then added with a chuckle, “That’s the only thing I get to balance in this town.”
With the next fiscal fiasco only weeks away (the country faces another federal government shutdown on March 27), President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, quickly went to work on the impending financial disaster.
After a meeting that began at 3 o’clock Sunday afternoon and lasted into the wee hours of Monday morning, a smiling Obama and a somewhat less-than-frowning Boehner emerged, having successfully negotiated a name for the next fiscal crisis.
“We think this is hugely symbolic that we have not waited until the last minute to name this next crisis,” the president said. “Through hard work and good faith negotiating, both Democrats and Republicans have agreed to name the next fiscal crisis “˜ALF.’
“Both sides agreed that “˜Fiscal Cliff II’ would have given the impression that nothing was really solved during “˜Fiscal Cliff I’ and would reflect badly on both Congress and the White House. And of course, nobody ever understood what “˜sequestration’ meant.
“We did debate using ‘secastration’ for the next one, to impose a penalty on Congress if we didn’t work out a compromise, but no one would go for that. So we picked a new word that is totally made up but doesn’t sound too scary and looks like an acronym for something.”
Neither Obama nor Boehner would speculate on possible names for the next debt ceiling fight scheduled for May, saying talks were still under way.