February 2013 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from January 1 “” January 31, 2013:

10. Dijon P., 26, 1st-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.
We can only hope and pray Dijon’s middle name is Mustard.

We doubt this was involved when Annalese was conceived.
We doubt this was involved when Annalese was conceived.

9. Annalese K., 23, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.
If your parents give you a name that sounds almost identical to the brand name of a numbing butt lube, you deserve the right to get sh-tfaced from time to time.

8. Suresh S., 44, second-offense DWI, failure to signal, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Poor Suresh. He couldn’t wait to get home to start drinking after his long commute from his tech support job in Mumbai.

Les Nippleables
Les Nippleables

7. Nicky K., 36, 2nd-offense DWI, headlights required, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
If only Nicky had been wearing Anne Hathaway’s Oscar dress, she wouldn’t have been accused of not having headlights.

6. Felicia C., 24, 2nd-offense DWI, following too close, text messaging prohibited, and motor vehicle inspection required.
heyyyy guhlllll!!! ZOMG!!! im totes drnk rt nowwwww! LOL!

Lil Wayne talking out the side of his neck.
Lil Wayne talking out the side of his neck.

5. John H., 25, 2nd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, improper lane usage, failure to change driver’s license address, vehicle entering the highway from a private road, driver’s license suspended/revoked, failure to signal, and improper turn.
John proves that one of the best ways to assure placing in the BACS is to garner more ink on your arrest record than Lil Wayne has on his neck.

4. Jeromey B., 26, 2nd-offense DWI, driving left of center, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and possession of marijuana.
Jeromey was thinking of giving up drinking for Lent, but when he heard the pope was resigning, he said “f–k it.”

3. Jake L., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.
Jake drinks because he suffers from fear of failure … of chemical tests.

2. Jason H., 25, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and careless operation of a vehicle.
Jason’s friends call him “Tea Bag” because he’s always in hot water. Hah! Just kidding. That’s not why they call him that.

1. Jerold G., 67, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of Schedule IV drugs, vehicle entering highway from a private road, and hit and run.
Jerold’s BACS-winning performance mirrors how an old-head player like himself woos the women: A little foreplay (possession of Schedule IV drugs) leads to “entering” her “private road,” and when you’re done hitting that, you get the f–k out of there (hit and run).

Congratulations, Jerold. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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November 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Louisiana's X Games: Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from October 1-31, 2014.