Here are a few more things you can look forward to in the upcoming year. If none of it happens, don’t blame me; blame the position of the stars as viewed from my particular part of the planet Earth, because that really has some sort of effect on the way people’s lives are played out.
Downton Abbey will shock and awe viewers with … an orgy in which the countess takes all comers.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Oscar Pistorius will be found guilty, but instead of being sentenced to death, he will be forced to swap his blades for furniture casters.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Carnival Cruise Lines will market the “Triumph Experience” for adventurous travelers. While costing twice as much as a regular cruise, it will afford passengers the opportunity to crap into a bag. It will be a rousing success.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): After retirement, the pope will convert to Mormonism. Insisting on keeping his pope uniform, he will be kicked out for being unable to wear a bicycle helmet on top of his giant pope hat.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Lebron James and Michael Jordan will face each other in a televised one-on-one match. In the second quarter, they will collide, cracking open each other’s skulls and leaking vast quantities of douche all over the court.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Downton Abbey will shock and awe viewers with a full hourlong episode devoted to an orgy in which the countess takes all comers. PBS will secure funding for the next decade.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Kim Kardashian will give birth, and upon viewing its parents for the first time, the child will attempt suicide with its own umbilical cord.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): John Boehner will cry about something trivial.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Taylor Swift will shock the music world with her album I Get It Now; I Think It’s All My Fault. One Direction will release a response single titled “Yes, Bitch, It Is.”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The PS4 will be overshadowed by the Xbox 720 when Microsoft unveils the new “Fleshlight attachment” for its vibrating controllers.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Michelle Obama will cut her stupid bangs.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): North Korea will continue to nuke itself to Futurama-level mutations. The world will point and laugh.