I recently had the pleasure of talking with Charles Johnson, author of the world-famous relationship advice book How to Find the Right One and Make It Last. By world-famous, I mean self-published and available on Amazon. Same difference.
Johnson reached out to The Red Shtick to request that we do him the pleasure of interviewing him, and I obliged, if only because he must have no idea what kind of website this is.
The book claims to contain the tools and tricks needed to find a loving relationship that will last in the long term. Johnson purports to be an expert in online dating and offline relationships and cites his 30-plus-year marriage as the source of his romance expertise. He would not comment on the source of his online expertise, ifyaknowwhatimean.
Johnson said he’s never met a happy couple who met in a bar (THIS IS A DAMN LIE – BARS ARE WHERE YOU MEET PEOPLE).
I asked Johnson to give you, gentle readers, his best advice, so you needn’t buy the book. The good stuff is right here, like a white paper executive summary. I know you are all busy and important. So here are RELATIONSHIP EXPERT CHARLES A. JOHNSON’S MOST ORIGINAL THOUGHTS AND WISEST WORDS OF WISDOM:
If you’re not meeting anyone, “change your game.”
- Johnson said he’s never met a happy couple who met in a bar (THIS IS A DAMN LIE – BARS ARE WHERE YOU MEET PEOPLE). As alternatives to bars, he suggests Latin dancing night (circa 1999 at The Varsity) and line dancing (probably still goes on at The Texas Club); grocery stores (I saw a Golden Girls episode about that); and switching from Starbucks to CC’s (because the girls at CC’s are WAAAY hotter).
- Stop watching TV. No one gets laid by sitting at home waiting for Megan Fox to knock on the door. (I believe the real reason for this is so you won’t know that he’s giving the same advice as Dr. Phil.)
- “¨”¨Give up your “type” and cast a wider net. (If you’re fishing for 10s and catching 4s, you’re probably a 4, and you need to look in the mirror and lower your standards accordingly. Also, ugly chicks put out, like, 50% more.)
Johnson believes the biggest mistake people make in relationships is not being pragmatic. (I know my readers won’t make these mistakes, as I covered these practical needs in my third “Life Coach” article, Life Lesson #3: Dating.)
Follow the 3 C’s: Does this person Complement your life? Are you Comfortable? Can you Communicate? (The 4th C can’t be published on this PG-13 website.)
I asked Johnson to offer advice for those already in relationships, and he had this to offer:
“Up your game. Whatever it took to get them, you have to improve upon that, every day, every week, every month.” (This seems hard, and maybe even impossible. Once you’ve started farting at will, the romance is basically dead, right? Conversely, this could mean that if you start with the bar really, really low – like LINE DANCING LOW – you might be able to keep improving over the years. If you go the whole hog on the first date, you’re going to have to break out the last few chapters of the Kama Sutra before the end of your first football season.)
On the subject on online dating, Johnson was slightly more cagey. I had to read between the lines a little. Johnson was confident that meeting people online was a viable option, and he said he had a team of researchers (I assume he means himself and his wife) monitoring conditions online (setting up multiple profiles and sexting with strangers).
Johnson did warn against the dangers of online dating – specifically, that your online partner may not be who he or she seems to be. If you’ve seen the TV show Catfish, you know what Johnson means. To avoid being catfished, Johnson suggests demanding to see your ChatRoulette partner’s driver’s license. Because that’s not creepy at all.