Look folks, I understand. Last year was a bit of a stinker for everybody.
This year really doesn’t seem to be looking any better. I mean, we’re only two weeks in, and what are we looking at? Sandyhook truthers, gun nuts swearing that the government is going to take our guns unless we fill backpacks with canned ravioli and run into the woods, Manti Te’o and Lance Armstrong both going from motivational Disney flicks to bags of crap, the future of Twinkies hanging in the ether.
Donald Trump will finally admit to the world that his entire life has been a Joaquin Phoenix-style social experiment.
I know it looks bleak. But we’ve still got 11 months and a few days to turn it all around. Trust me; I’ve looked into the heavens and seen the future. Everything’s going to be just fine”¦
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Following Lance Armstrong’s lead, every competitive bicyclist in the world will come clean about using PED’s and force the Tour de France to become the world’s doping-est sporting event. L’Alpe-d’Huez will run red with the blood of the weak.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): The Twinkie brand will be purchased by Pfizer and offer a new line of light blue, cream-filled cakes that promise to keep you up all night, just like when you were a kid.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Donald Trump will finally admit to the world that his entire life has been a Joaquin Phoenix-style social experiment, and admit surprise that society allowed it to continue for so long.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Candid photographs of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney making out in the Rose Garden will surface, leading to the suicides of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Piers Morgan, Rachel Maddow, Karl Rove and Bill O’Reilly. In an unrelated incident, Rush Limbaugh will be found in his bathroom hanging by a belt in a pair of fishnet stockings; inter-racial gay porn and a prodigious amount of heroin will be found nearby.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The American people will descend on Congress wielding pitchforks and torches. Congress will lock the doors until they can come to a decision. They will all starve to death.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Manti Te’o’s girlfriend will appear on an interview with Oprah, but turn out to be a Tupac-like hologram. Oprah will confess and apologize when interviewed by Lance Armstrong.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Ray Nagin will go to jail.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Chrysler will unveil the “Lightning Volt,” a hybrid flying car that runs on water. People will complain about the lack of adequate cup holders.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Thousands of new gun owners will experience terrible remorse around August when the AR-15s they don’t really need, want, or know how to operate become readily available at Cabela’s for half the price they paid in December.
Chrysler will unveil the “Lightning Volt,” a hybrid flying car that runs on water. People will complain about the lack of adequate cup holders.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): McDonald’s will unveil a 50-calorie Big Mac and saltless, zero-calorie fries. They will be disgusting.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The fantasy adventure novel Kid Stew (available on Kindle) will reach sales figures so high that people will be saying, “Harry who?” as Amazon’s servers come close to crashing from all the downloads. Meryl Streep will turn to porn when she’s passed over for the lead role in the film.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The NRA will wonder why 250,000 members don’t return their renewal cards in November. The printing costs of the multiple mailed reminders will bring them to near bankruptcy.