Take a Man’s Word This Christmas

I know that women think they know their men.

Before you rush out and buy your guy an ugly-ass Cosby sweater or cologne that smells like Persian kiosk people, please take a look at this list.

Seven straight hours of commercial-free football every Sunday. Think of all the dumb things he won’t say while he’s in the Zone.

The Toto Washlet – It’s the Iron Throne of toilets. It’s more of a mini waste management facility. It has a heated seat, deodorizer, and a built-in bidet. The wall-mounted control panel includes different settings for the ass blaster and dryer.

We have one at work, and while I was skeptical at first, I have now seen the top of the mountain “¦ and it is good. Hate all you want. I hope you get train tracks in your underwear and your wife finds them on your birthday.

Red-Zone-ChannelThe Red Zone Channel – Seven straight hours of commercial-free football every Sunday. Think of all the dumb things he won’t say while he’s in the Zone.

A Yard Pass – I’m not asking you to let your guy mow another lady’s lawn, but maybe there’s something he has always wanted to do that you could let slide just this once.

Please proceed with caution, because you may be opening Pandora’s box. You need to set some boundaries first.

Before you say no, think about if it’s really that bad. Does he want you to wear pigtails or a French maid outfit, or does he want you to dress up like a geisha girl and answer only to the name “Keiko”? There’s a difference.

A Brookstone Massaging Bed Rest – We love to eat, drink, fart, sleep, and watch TV all at the same time. We’d love it even more if we knew that you love to watch us do it, or not. Either way, we’re going to do it, so get us a massaging bed rest with a cup holder and hope we don’t die from relaxation, or do. Whatever.

A Leatherman – No, lady of questionable moral values, I don’t mean a leather gimp suit with a mask. I’m talking about the all-in-one pocket tool. I’m not the handiest guy, but I can do some sh-t, and this thing can take apart a space shuttle.

Fightville (DVD) – A documentary about local mixed martial arts fighters Dustin Poirier, Tim Credeur, and Albert Stainback. The gritty filmmaking drags you through the grind that is the life of a fighter. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll be filled with the desire to “crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.”

Membership to LA Boxing – We all want to be ninjas. After watching Fightville, we all think we are capable.

An iPhone – Yes, I know that they are made by Chinese people crammed into overcrowded dorms and such, but isn’t everything? Until this country has a homemade product that’s worth a damn, I have to go with what works, and the iPhone is a modern marvel. Besides, if it were assembled here, it would probably be way too expensive to afford. The workers would make $90 an hour and this article would probably be about a union strike.

Socks and Underwear – Surprised to see this one? If your man is like me, he probably has several pairs of undies with age-induced ventilation, and you’re probably tired of looking at them. Help us help you. We won’t be excited, but we’ll be thankful, and you know we won’t go buy them.

Well, I hope that I have been helpful. We should always be thankful for gifts, but the most important thing is our relationship with you. Make it better by buying some of this stuff.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

About Michael Atkinson

Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

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