It’s December, which means that it’s been Christmastime for almost two whole months now. Maybe it’s because I’ve been exposed to it for so long that I’m beginning to get used to the annoyance (much like shower rape in prison), but when I walked into Walgreens in September and saw Christmas decorations, it didn’t infuriate me.
No, instead, I felt a warm little glow inside my heart cockles, a glow that said, “It’s Christmas.” Though it might have been the bourbon talking.
I just want it because each one costs VW around $10,000,000 to make and I’d like them to feel silly when I set it on fire on YouTube.
Either way, it’s about time to take a break from watching Lethal Weapon, Gremlins, Batman Returns, Die Hard, or whatever your favorite Christmas movie happens to be and go shopping for those you love – like me.
What do I want for Christmas this year? How sweet of you to ask”¦
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): JetLev R200 ($99,500; jetlev.com). It’s a jet pack! Unlike that stupid Bell rocket belt that runs on hydrogen peroxide and lasts 30 seconds, this sucker is gas-powered and will let you fly for 3-5 hours. Sure, you’re limited to flying around over water, but shut up! Jet pack!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): 35-foot MetroShip ($50,000; metro-ship.com). So you want to live in a big city but hate being tied down? This sucker is more urban loft than houseboat and costs a fraction of anything you’d find in New York or Chicago. Also, I want to be a pirate but hate sleeping in hammocks.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): PAL-V ONE ($279,000; pal-v.com). IT’S A FLYING MOTORCYLE! It’s real! Shut your fat face and welcome yourself to the future! In black, if you please (it’ll make me feel more like Batman).
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Skee-Ball machine ($6,394; Amazon). This is too affordable not to have in my home. For another $20, I can get hundreds of stuffed toys from China to “win” every day when I get home from work.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Giant Edible Gingerbread House ($15,000; Neiman Marcus). No, I’m not going to use it to lure children into an oven. I’m going to nail my wife in it so I have something to snack on during “the maritals.”
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Buggatti Veyron Grand Sport ($2,000,000; bugatti.com). I know I’ll never come close to driving it over 250 mph. I just want it because each one costs VW around $10,000,000 to make and I’d like them to feel silly when I set it on fire on YouTube.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 Roadster ($387,000; lamborghini.com). Much more reasonably priced and infinitely cooler than the Veyron, Lamborghinis are the coolest super cars in the world because shut up you’re wrong if you disagree.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Space Flight ($200,000; virgingalactic.com). Sure, it isn’t really a space flight, but it’s as close as I can get right now. With your help, of course.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Le Noeud Papillon Ingmar Velvet and Silk Bow Tie ($249; lenoeudpapillon.com). Dr. Who says they’re cool, and if I’m only owning one, it’s going to be custom made by some uptight French dude.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Viking Ultra-Premium 500 Series Propane Grill 54″ ($6,299; williams-sonoma.com). If I want to cook an entire cow at once, that’s my business.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Tron Light Cycle ($55,000; Hammacher Schlemmer). It’s exactly what it sounds like. And don’t forget the suit ($995; UDreplicas.com). It’d look silly without the suit.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The Greatest Thing in the World ($2.99; Amazon, http://tinyurl.com/a265jul). My first novel, Kid Stew, is out on Kindle. It’s the greatest thing in the whole world, ever. If you don’t get this for Christmas, then you can be sure no one loves you.