The Turkey Scores

Thanksgiving is a time for getting together with your family, then remembering why you moved out in the first place. Luckily, the theater offers your family an escape from yelling at each other for at least a couple of hours. But what movie should you see? The right movie leads to happiness; the wrong will take it from you.

So here’s a guide to all the current releases. Included is a Turkey Score, a rating based solely on the potential for your family’s overall enjoyment. The higher the score, the less likely your family will think of you as a disappointment.

Nothing makes us look more like ugly Americans than watching someone else starve to death after you’ve eaten six pounds of food.

Skyfall (Turkey Score: 9) – Not only is it the best Bond film in years, but it also doubles as a drinking game every time you spot a government employee with a Sony Vaio. It may also convince you to finally make the switch to Komodo Dragon next Thanksgiving.

Twilight 5 (Turkey Score: 2) – Watch home videos, volunteer to do the dishes, but for God’s sake, do not agree to see this movie.

Wreck-It Ralph (Turkey Score: 7) – Great movie for kids, but all the time spent in Sugar Rush may make you regret your third slice of pumpkin pie.

Lincoln (Turkey Score: 5) – Sure, the new Spielberg film is good, but pick something else if you fear your relatives may choose sides.

Red Dawn (Turkey Score: 8) – This looks dumb, but it’s about building family unity by overthrowing an oppressive occupation. As the credits roll, you’ll be glad they messed with the wrong family.

Argo (Turkey Score: 3) – Great film, but Ben Affleck is not welcome at my holiday table after Reindeer Games.

Rise of the Guardians (Turkey Score: 4) – This is a slam dunk for the kids, but it offers nothing for adults. Plan to get thrown out of the theater for playing Fruit Ninja on your phone.

Life of Pi (Turkey Score: 5) – Ugh, more Pi. Nothing makes us look more like ugly Americans than watching someone else starve to death after you’ve eaten six pounds of food.

Note: These scores may not be graded specifically to your family, but for all that is sane in this world, don’t see Twilight. Isn’t that the true meaning of Thanksgiving?

About James Brown

James Brown
James Brown is not related, affiliated, or representative to or of the estate of the Godfather of Soul. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

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