So, how was Thanksgiving? Are you thankful?
This November, Horrorscopes is going up a little late in the month because I’ve been given so much to be thankful for that I haven’t had time to do anything else but be thankful.
Can you hear the “thanks”? It’s just oozing out of my pores.
You can find everything from butt plugs to prostate massagers on your smartphone. That covers Mom and Dad right there.
Now look, we’re all going to go from being holly jolly holiday elves to frustrated, exhausted, hate-filled sadists over the next couple of weeks. I felt it was important that I get a little bit of thanks in before I consider going to pigeonmountaintrading.com and ordering a box of bees to be delivered via USPS (only $132.49) and then quietly releasing said bees in a service tunnel in the Mall of Louisiana right outside the food court. The holidays have that effect on most comedians.
This year is looking up, however. When I walked into Walgreens this September, and saw all the Christmas decorations already up, the urge to saunter over to the liquor aisle and begin constructing Molotov cocktails was overshadowed by a tinge of excitement for the season.
Who knows? Maybe I won’t put up my Santa traps this year. Maybe.
Anyway, here are a few things to be thankful for in the purgatory that is the last week of November.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Amazon.com. There is literally no reason to leave your house and purchase any gifts for anyone you know. You can find everything from butt plugs to prostate massagers on your smartphone. That covers Mom and Dad right there.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Keebler Ready Crust Mini Graham Cracker Pie Crusts. They’re pie crusts that are a little bigger than cupcakes, and they come in packs of six. Those tree-dwelling elves are giving you the ability to turn pie into a hand fruit.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Rumple Minze. This is a fantastic way to take the edge off the holidays, and since it’s 100 proof, it does so tout de suite. It’s like having Jack Frost fart in your mouth. (Pro tip: Put it in your hot chocolate.)
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Candy canes. I know what you’re thinking: “Who actually eats candy canes?” You do, you cynical butt-goblin! So will anyone else you hand them to for the next month. The trick is to open them (straight end, duh) first. Then the recipient is forced to spend the next half hour deep-throating Christmas.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Mistletoe. Nobody but the drunk girl at the office party is willing to kiss underneath mistletoe. Instead, mash up the berries and sneak them into the pumpkin pie of the guy wearing the mistletoe hat. Odds are, he’ll get diarrhea. Or die. He may die.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Turkey. If you go to Walmart right now, you’ll be able to buy a 12- to 14-pound turkey ridiculously cheap. They are easy as hell to cook and provide an irresponsible amount of meat. Now make a sandwich with it. Thankful yet?
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Mulled Wine. It’s coldish in Louisiana right now. Dump a giant bottle of cheap red wine in your Crock-Pot, toss in a couple cinnamon sticks and an orange stuffed full of cloves, and turn that bad boy on. Feel that? That’s thankfulness. All up in you.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Santa Claus. So traffic’s got you down, you’re freaking out about what to get people for Christmas, and you may be coming down with seasonal affective disorder? Go to your nearest mall/national hunting and outdoor chain store and take a picture with Santa. It doesn’t matter how big you are, he has to let you sit on his lap. It’s his job in the two-month period he’s not up in Alaska panning for gold and day drinking.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Snow. It might happen, and if it does, plan on saving a nice, hefty snowball in your freezer until next summer, when you can chuck what at that point will be a block of solid ice at your friends.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Reindeer. http://americanpridefoods.com/reindeer-meat.html I’d suggest The Gold Miner’s Breakfast Combo. It’s really your best bet.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The end of the election. Whether your guy won or not, it’s all over for another couple of years. See how nice everyone’s being again? You get to enjoy that for at least two more months.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The McRib. It’s in town just in time for Christmas. Sure, it’s an abomination to the very baby Jesus whose birthday we’re all celebrating six months late, but screw it. Buy one, eat it, be disappointed with yourself, and then drink some Rumple Minze to get over it all.