Glenn Close in Heaven, Hallowed Be Thy Name

David Jimenez was quite the fan of his Roman Catholic God. Well, he was right up until that bitch took his leg in a fit of jealous rage.

Allow me to explain.

Back in 2008, Jimenez’s wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

While it may seem counterintuitive, men often choose a point in their marriage when their wife is diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness to take up adultery. It happens all the time. Think back to how quickly Lance Armstrong left Sheryl Crow when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

God loves attention, likes being talked to, and has a fancy house that is always clean and full of decorative candles that are big and expensive and never ever lit.

Anyway, Jimenez found himself a willing accomplice in the Almighty.

At the time of his wife’s diagnosis, Jimenez was working as a delivery driver. He would pull into the parking lot of St. Patrick’s Church in Newburgh, NY, to pray in front of the massive marble crucifix outside.

God loves attention and, after a couple of cosmos, put out in the form of curing Jimenez’s wife’s cancer. If only the story ended there.

You see, Jimenez was so grateful for the help that he asked the church for permission to clean the crucifix as thanks for it acting as an iPhone to God. The church allowed it, and he began showing up regularly to pick up trash and scrub the 600-pound marble cross with soap and water, thus breaking the first two Commandments and begging God to punish him for it.

There are 10 of those bad boys, in case you forgot, and the first four are all about the One who handed them down. No. 1: No gods before me. No. 2: No worshipping graven images.

It’s at this point that we begin to see the justification for God (specifically the Catholic interpretation) being female. God loves attention, likes being talked to, and has a fancy house that is always clean and full of decorative candles that are big and expensive and never ever lit.

When Jimenez quit talking to Her every day and instead starting cleaning the statuary out front, She came down like Alex Forrest on Ellen Gallagher’s pet rabbit. In this case, the pot was a 600-pound crucifix and the rabbit was Jimenez’s right leg. The statue toppled over and crushed Jimenez’s leg with such severity that it needed to be amputated.

He did the Christian thing at this point and sued the church for $3 million, despite all of his medical bills being paid by various charitable organizations. Hell, the church even got together a special collection of $7,000 for him, which would buy one heck of a fancy fake leg.

Jimenez’s lawyers claim he has been unable to work since the accident, which is a reasonable argument for a delivery driver who works for a bakery. Have you ever tried to carry a wedding cake without dropping it? Tough, huh? And you’ve got two real legs.

The church, likewise, has done the Christian thing and denied all responsibility. Yes, the statue was massive and heavy, and yes, it was anchored to its pedestal with only a single bolt, but God obviously wanted Jimenez to lose his leg for some higher purpose. She does work in mysterious ways, you know.

The lawsuit is pending, and Jimenez’s lawyers have said he isn’t taking interviews right now (not even from a publication as distinguished as Red Shtick).

We did our best to reach God for comment, but our guess is She’s sulking in Her bedroom, eating Ben & Jerry’s, and watching Sex and the City on DVD, because we couldn’t even get Her answering machine.

Maybe She’s still pissed about Romney losing the election?

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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