The Red Shtick College Football Rankings: Week XII

“Can Valtrex be used as lube?”

A quick side-summary of my personal sports goings-on recently:  I attended the Saints-Eagles game last week with Red Shtick publisher Jeremy White, and we ran into the cutest Philadelphia couple (pictured left) since Andy and Miguel.  Two nights later, I was in the New Orleans Arena to see the Browless Hornets score a franchise record low 62 points against the 76ers.

Saturday, I was in Tiger Stadium to see LSU cover the spread against State, and Sunday, I was back in the Superdome with a New York Times columnist, an international arms dealer, and a man of mystery who goes by the simple name of “Champagne” to watch the Saints serve Mercury Morris some figuratively actual champagne.

I was the life of the party, as usual, mostly because of zingers like the following one:

Brett:  In the LSU-Bama game, did you see who Bama had on their sideline retrieving the tee after their kickoffs?  A midget.

Me:  That was Nick Saban.

Up top!

If you’re wondering why my computer is such a pugnahibernophile, it’s because Notre Dame’s schedule is tougher (and Kansas State’s and Oregon’s schedules are weaker) than the persisting national rhetoric would have you believe, as indicated by the table.

The Red Shtick College Football Rankings: Week XII

The only Fighting Irish I like.

Conference Rankings Southeastern Big 12 Big Ten Pacific-12 Atlantic Coast Big East Mid-American Sun Belt Western Athletic Mountain West USA

If my system alone were used to determine the BCS bowl matchups – which would be better than finding out that professional wrestling has been real all this time – here’s how the bowls would line up with today’s standings: BCS Championship Game:  Notre Dame vs. Kansas State Rose Bowl: Oregon vs. Nebraska Fiesta Bowl: Florida vs. Clemson Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Oklahoma Orange Bowl: Florida State vs. Rutgers

Of course, there is little chance that those will be the matchups. Here’s how we at Balls figure things to turn out: BCS Championship Game:  Kansas State vs. Oregon Rose Bowl: Stanford vs. Nebraska Fiesta Bowl: Florida vs. Oklahoma Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Clemson Orange Bowl: Florida State vs. Rutgers

And if you care to diagram this sentence, here’s the plain English explanation of these rankings so that you know I know what I’m talking about *shifty eyes*: A team’s rating shall be thrice a team’s winning percentage, twice the team’s opponents’ combined winning percentage, and the team’s opponents’ opponents’ winning percentage, the sum of which is to be divided by six and then is to have subtracted from it an amount equal to the team’s number of losses to FCS schools divided by total games played, and is to have added to it, in any and all cases where the team has defeated a team whose sum of thrice its winning percentage, twice its opponents’ combined winning percentage, and its opponents’ opponents’ combined winning percentage is an amount equal to the defeated team’s aforementioned sum minus 0.66666, the difference between the defeated team’s sum and 0.66666.

1. Notre Dame
2. Kansas State
3. Georgia
4. Ohio State (ineligible because of some tattoos)
5. Florida
6. Oregon
7. Alabama
8. Texas A&M
9. Florida State
10. South Carolina
11. Nebraska
12. Clemson
13. Louisiana State
14. Oregon State
15. Oklahoma
16. Rutgers
17. Louisville
18. Texas
19. Kent State
20. UCLA
21. Louisiana Tech
22. Northern Illinois
23. Michigan
24. Stanford
25. Boise State
26. San José State
27. Fresno State
28. Ball State
29. Texas Tech
30. Tulsa
31. Central Florida
32. Cincinnati
33. Utah State
34. Oklahoma State
35. Northwestern
36. Wisconsin
37. Southern California
38. San Diego State
39. Mississippi State
40. Arizona
41. Washington
42. Arkansas State
43. Toledo
44. Penn State
45. Ohio
46. Michigan State
47. Navy
48. Brigham Young
49. Vanderbilt
50. Bowling Green
51. Texas Christian
52. West Virginia
53. Duke
54. Missouri
55. Iowa State
56. North Carolina
57. Louisiana-Monroe
58. North Carolina State
59. Western Kentucky
60. Minnesota
61. Miami (Florida)
62. East Carolina
63. Louisiana-Lafayette
64. Nevada
65. Mississippi
66. Indiana
67. Arizona State
68. South Florida
69. Wake Forest
70. Georgia Tech
71. Tennessee
72. Troy
73. Central Michigan
74. Arkansas
75. Purdue
76. Virginia Tech
77. Air Force
78. Baylor
79. Syracuse
80. Houston
81. Middle Tennessee State
82. Iowa
83. Utah
84. Southern Methodist
85. Connecticut
86. Miami (Ohio)
87. North Texas
88. Virginia
89. Rice
90. New Mexico
91. Texas-San Antonio
92. Maryland
93. Western Michigan
94. Marshall
95. Temple
96. Buffalo
97. Texas State
98. Auburn
99. California
100. Florida Atlantic
101. Kentucky
102. Alabama-Birmingham
103. Florida International
104. Illinois
105. Texas-El Paso
106. Boston College
107. Tulane
108. Pittsburgh
109. Washington State
110. Kansas
111. Wyoming
112. Massachusetts
113. South Alabama
114. Colorado State
115. Hawaii
116. Southern Mississippi
117. Army
118. Nevada-Las Vegas
119. Akron
120. Memphis
121. New Mexico State
122. Colorado
123. Eastern Michigan
124. Idaho