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“Can Valtrex be used as lube?” |
A quick side-summary of my personal sports goings-on recently: I attended the Saints-Eagles game last week with Red Shtick publisher Jeremy White, and we ran into the cutest Philadelphia couple (pictured left) since Andy and Miguel. Two nights later, I was in the New Orleans Arena to see the Browless Hornets score a franchise record low 62 points against the 76ers.
Saturday, I was in Tiger Stadium to see LSU cover the spread against State, and Sunday, I was back in the Superdome with a New York Times columnist, an international arms dealer, and a man of mystery who goes by the simple name of “Champagne” to watch the Saints serve Mercury Morris some figuratively actual champagne.
I was the life of the party, as usual, mostly because of zingers like the following one:
- Brett: In the LSU-Bama game, did you see who Bama had on their sideline retrieving the tee after their kickoffs? A midget.
- Me: That was Nick Saban.
Up top!
I made half an ass of myself at all these events, and somehow I kept my voice. Today, however, my voice is gone because I nailed all the notes of “Bohemian Rhapsody” while driving home from the Chimes last night. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you get cocky.
I didn’t even bother posting the Red Shtick College Football Rankings last week because I was so mad that Notre Dame was still No. 1. Yes, I, like most of our readers, am a pugnahibernophobe, and though I’m also an erythropachydermophobe, I had hoped and expected that Alabama would claim the No. 1 spot. It was not, however, meant to be, and the Tide will need a little help getting to the BCS Championship in January.
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If you’re wondering why my computer is such a pugnahibernophile, it’s because Notre Dame’s schedule is tougher (and Kansas State’s and Oregon’s schedules are weaker) than the persisting national rhetoric would have you believe, as indicated by the table.
The Red Shtick College Football Rankings: Week XII
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Conference Rankings
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If my system alone were used to determine the BCS bowl matchups – which would be better than finding out that professional wrestling has been real all this time – here’s how the bowls would line up with today’s standings:
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Of course, there is little chance that those will be the matchups. Here’s how we at Balls figure things to turn out:
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And if you care to diagram this sentence, here’s the plain English explanation of these rankings so that you know I know what I’m talking about *shifty eyes*:
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- Notre Dame
- Kansas State
- Georgia
- Ohio State (ineligible because of some tattoos)
- Florida
- Oregon
- Alabama
- Texas A&M
- Florida State
- South Carolina
- Nebraska
- Clemson
- Louisiana State
- Oregon State
- Oklahoma
- Rutgers
- Louisville
- Texas
- Kent State
- UCLA
- Louisiana Tech
- Northern Illinois
- Michigan
- Stanford
- Boise State
- San José State
- Fresno State
- Ball State
- Texas Tech
- Tulsa
- Central Florida
- Cincinnati
- Utah State
- Oklahoma State
- Northwestern
- Wisconsin
- Southern California
- San Diego State
- Mississippi State
- Arizona
- Washington
- Arkansas State
- Toledo
- Penn State
- Ohio
- Michigan State
- Navy
- Brigham Young
- Vanderbilt
- Bowling Green
- Texas Christian
- West Virginia
- Duke
- Missouri
- Iowa State
- North Carolina
- Louisiana-Monroe
- North Carolina State
- Western Kentucky
- Minnesota
- Miami (Florida)
- East Carolina
- Louisiana-Lafayette
- Nevada
- Mississippi
- Indiana
- Arizona State
- South Florida
- Wake Forest
- Georgia Tech
- Tennessee
- Troy
- Central Michigan
- Arkansas
- Purdue
- Virginia Tech
- Air Force
- Baylor
- Syracuse
- Houston
- Middle Tennessee State
- Iowa
- Utah
- Southern Methodist
- Connecticut
- Miami (Ohio)
- North Texas
- Virginia
- Rice
- New Mexico
- Texas-San Antonio
- Maryland
- Western Michigan
- Marshall
- Temple
- Buffalo
- Texas State
- Auburn
- California
- Florida Atlantic
- Kentucky
- Alabama-Birmingham
- Florida International
- Illinois
- Texas-El Paso
- Boston College
- Tulane
- Pittsburgh
- Washington State
- Kansas
- Wyoming
- Massachusetts
- South Alabama
- Colorado State
- Hawaii
- Southern Mississippi
- Army
- Nevada-Las Vegas
- Akron
- Memphis
- New Mexico State
- Colorado
- Eastern Michigan
- Idaho