The Red Shtick College Football Rankings: Week XII

“Can Valtrex be used as lube?”

A quick side-summary of my personal sports goings-on recently:  I attended the Saints-Eagles game last week with Red Shtick publisher Jeremy White, and we ran into the cutest Philadelphia couple (pictured left) since Andy and Miguel.  Two nights later, I was in the New Orleans Arena to see the Browless Hornets score a franchise record low 62 points against the 76ers.

Saturday, I was in Tiger Stadium to see LSU cover the spread against State, and Sunday, I was back in the Superdome with a New York Times columnist, an international arms dealer, and a man of mystery who goes by the simple name of “Champagne” to watch the Saints serve Mercury Morris some figuratively actual champagne.

I was the life of the party, as usual, mostly because of zingers like the following one:

Brett:  In the LSU-Bama game, did you see who Bama had on their sideline retrieving the tee after their kickoffs?  A midget.
Me:  That was Nick Saban.

Up top!

I made half an ass of myself at all these events, and somehow I kept my voice. Today, however, my voice is gone because I nailed all the notes of “Bohemian Rhapsody” while driving home from the Chimes last night. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you get cocky.

I didn’t even bother posting the Red Shtick College Football Rankings last week because I was so mad that Notre Dame was still No. 1. Yes, I, like most of our readers, am a pugnahibernophobe, and though I’m also an erythropachydermophobe, I had hoped and expected that Alabama would claim the No. 1 spot. It was not, however, meant to be, and the Tide will need a little help getting to the BCS Championship in January.

School Winning
Notre Dame 1.000 .500 .568
Kansas State 1.000 .474 .574
Oregon 1.000 .453 .544

If you’re wondering why my computer is such a pugnahibernophile, it’s because Notre Dame’s schedule is tougher (and Kansas State’s and Oregon’s schedules are weaker) than the persisting national rhetoric would have you believe, as indicated by the table.

The Red Shtick College Football Rankings: Week XII

The only Fighting Irish I like.

Conference Rankings

  1. Southeastern
  2. Big 12
  3. Big Ten
  4. Pacific-12
  5. Atlantic Coast
  6. Big East
  7. Mid-American
  8. Sun Belt
  9. Western Athletic
  10. Mountain West
  11. USA
If my system alone were used to determine the BCS bowl matchups – which would be better than finding out that professional wrestling has been real all this time – here’s how the bowls would line up with today’s standings:

  • BCS Championship Game:  Notre Dame vs. Kansas State
  • Rose Bowl: Oregon vs. Nebraska
  • Fiesta Bowl: Florida vs. Clemson
  • Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Oklahoma
  • Orange Bowl: Florida State vs. Rutgers

Of course, there is little chance that those will be the matchups. Here’s how we at Balls figure things to turn out:

  • BCS Championship Game:  Kansas State vs. Oregon
  • Rose Bowl: Stanford vs. Nebraska
  • Fiesta Bowl: Florida vs. Oklahoma
  • Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Clemson
  • Orange Bowl: Florida State vs. Rutgers

And if you care to diagram this sentence, here’s the plain English explanation of these rankings so that you know I know what I’m talking about *shifty eyes*:

A team’s rating shall be thrice a team’s winning percentage, twice the team’s opponents’ combined winning percentage, and the team’s opponents’ opponents’ winning percentage, the sum of which is to be divided by six and then is to have subtracted from it an amount equal to the team’s number of losses to FCS schools divided by total games played, and is to have added to it, in any and all cases where the team has defeated a team whose sum of thrice its winning percentage, twice its opponents’ combined winning percentage, and its opponents’ opponents’ combined winning percentage is an amount equal to the defeated team’s aforementioned sum minus 0.66666, the difference between the defeated team’s sum and 0.66666.
  1. Notre Dame
  2. Kansas State
  3. Georgia
  4. Ohio State (ineligible because of some tattoos)
  5. Florida
  6. Oregon
  7. Alabama
  8. Texas A&M
  9. Florida State
  10. South Carolina
  11. Nebraska
  12. Clemson
  13. Louisiana State
  14. Oregon State
  15. Oklahoma
  16. Rutgers
  17. Louisville
  18. Texas
  19. Kent State
  20. UCLA
  21. Louisiana Tech
  22. Northern Illinois
  23. Michigan
  24. Stanford
  25. Boise State
  26. San José State
  27. Fresno State
  28. Ball State
  29. Texas Tech
  30. Tulsa
  31. Central Florida
  32. Cincinnati
  33. Utah State
  34. Oklahoma State
  35. Northwestern
  36. Wisconsin
  37. Southern California
  38. San Diego State
  39. Mississippi State
  40. Arizona
  41. Washington
  42. Arkansas State
  43. Toledo
  44. Penn State
  45. Ohio
  46. Michigan State
  47. Navy
  48. Brigham Young
  49. Vanderbilt
  50. Bowling Green
  51. Texas Christian
  52. West Virginia
  53. Duke
  54. Missouri
  55. Iowa State
  56. North Carolina
  57. Louisiana-Monroe
  58. North Carolina State
  59. Western Kentucky
  60. Minnesota
  61. Miami (Florida)
  62. East Carolina
  63. Louisiana-Lafayette
  64. Nevada
  65. Mississippi
  66. Indiana
  67. Arizona State
  68. South Florida
  69. Wake Forest
  70. Georgia Tech
  71. Tennessee
  72. Troy
  73. Central Michigan
  74. Arkansas
  75. Purdue
  76. Virginia Tech
  77. Air Force
  78. Baylor
  79. Syracuse
  80. Houston
  81. Middle Tennessee State
  82. Iowa
  83. Utah
  84. Southern Methodist
  85. Connecticut
  86. Miami (Ohio)
  87. North Texas
  88. Virginia
  89. Rice
  90. New Mexico
  91. Texas-San Antonio
  92. Maryland
  93. Western Michigan
  94. Marshall
  95. Temple
  96. Buffalo
  97. Texas State
  98. Auburn
  99. California
  100. Florida Atlantic
  101. Kentucky
  102. Alabama-Birmingham
  103. Florida International
  104. Illinois
  105. Texas-El Paso
  106. Boston College
  107. Tulane
  108. Pittsburgh
  109. Washington State
  110. Kansas
  111. Wyoming
  112. Massachusetts
  113. South Alabama
  114. Colorado State
  115. Hawaii
  116. Southern Mississippi
  117. Army
  118. Nevada-Las Vegas
  119. Akron
  120. Memphis
  121. New Mexico State
  122. Colorado
  123. Eastern Michigan
  124. Idaho

About Adam Wilson

Adam Wilson was the original columnist for Balls, Pucks, and Cups. He returned after a five-year contract dispute with The Red Shtick management.

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