Why I Hate Taylor Swift

It says more about me than I’d like it to, but I am really outstanding at critiquing the sh-t out of people and things.

Some call this being a hater. Some even call me a hater to my face, which is fine, as long as I still get to go to the Playa Haters Ball. I wear the term as a badge of pride because yes, I am really fantastic at hating on things – especially things that everyone else either seems to find benign or really seems to like.

One such thing is long-limbed, awkward, and coltish young singer Taylor Swift.

If you have never heard of Taylor Swift before, 1) May I live with you, pretty please? and 2) Let me school you on who this young lassie is.

Taylor Swift is the cockroach of myspace.com. Only she survived the social network’s apocalyptic sputter downhill, to rise from the ashes…

Taylor Swift is the cockroach of myspace.com. Only she survived the social network’s apocalyptic sputter downhill, to rise from the ashes, setting the country and pop music worlds aflame, tear-stained guitar in her delicate white hand. And by God, do I ever hate her freaking guts.

Reason 1: Her fake earnestness. Oh, gee, golly, you picked me to win this award? Me? Are you suuuure? Lil ol’ me, I won?

Yes, you red-lipped country trollop, you sold a bajillion more records than anyone else combined, and your bland-ass music happens to not offend ANY of the English-speaking  population save those of us with musical tastes, so yes, you won. You won the damn award. Instead of letting her finish, I wish Kayne would have just pinged her a few times upside the head with the MTV Moon Man.

Reason 2: As I mentioned, she’s a big ol’ trollop. List of (known) conquests: Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, that freaking Kennedy kid who is STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL, the kid who’s a wolf in Twilight, and I suspect Danny DeVito, too. Not sure why, and I have no evidence, but he seems like he’d be game for that.

I wouldn’t care that she is a big ol’ trollop, because everyone in Hollywood and music dates everybody else, but no one seems to call her on it like she will, say, a Miley Cyrus. They all pretend Taylor is a virginal role model, for some odd reason.

Which brings me to Reason 3.

Reason 3: Eff her for making Miley Cyrus more palatable.

Reason 4: She’s a weak singer.

Why this doesn’t matter: The only female artist to outsell Ms. Swift as of this writing is Britney Spears.

And if you point out that she is a weak singer, she writes a song about you and calls you “Mean.” All you’re ever gonna be is mean, but also, you get to NOT be tone-deaf.

Reason 5: She is inescapable. I don’t watch anything not on a DVR, I only read certain websites as a rule, I seldom hear the radio, and still I can find myself humming “We are never, ever, ever getting back together.” Then I promptly punch myself in the crotch.

There’s even a giant cutout of her for her new album (wittily titled after the only primary color she can readily name: Red) at the Walgreens where I buy the menthol cough drops I am somewhat addicted to. Ugh, out of my way, you perky crossover songstress!! I am just trying to find an apology/sympathy card for the friend whose house I accidentally burned (not ALL the way, just a little; I mean, it’s not a total loss)!!

I seldom hear the radio, and still I can find myself humming “We are never, ever, ever getting back together.” Then I promptly punch myself in the crotch.

Reason 6: She reminds me of that crazy girl who would approach you first when you started attending a new school, who wanted to be “BFFs 4-eva,” and you were all like “OK, sure, why not?” until the other girls came to you in private and warned you that her last BFF 4-eva had her missing cat turn up a few days later attached by clothespins to said crazy girl’s clothesline pole.

Reason 7: All these freaking breakup songs.

Look, T-Swizzle, you are never gonna write “I Will Survive.” THAT is a breakup song. It’s how it’s done. You couldn’t even put together a “Song for the Dumped” like Ben Folds.

Writing all these “Dear John” songs just makes those of us with eyes (no offense, people without eyes) see quicker what a whiny little snit you are. You probably make your boyfriends go see Nicholas Sparks movies. You probably play dress-up with your pets. You probably have more money than God, and I am just jealous.

Reason 8: I’m just jealous.

So kiss my ass, Taylor. Kiss it preferably until it’s RED.

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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