Darth Duck, Anyone?

Late-breaking News: Disney Buys Lucasfilm!

In case you hadn’t heard, on October 30, Disney announced its plan to buy Lucasfilm Ltd. from the man himself, George Lucas.

For those of you who don’t know, Lucasfilm is the creative house behind Star Wars as well as the Indiana Jones films. I believe it was also the mastermind behind Howard the Duck. That one was Lea Thompson’s finest work, let me tell you.

Will there be a Death Star replacing the big geodesic dome at Epcot? Will Cinderella’s castle be replaced by Jabba the Hutt’s palace?

Yes, that means that the House of Mouse will have control over the likes of Darth Vader and Yoda, and it’ll be able to select where the Millennium Falcon goes.

Will there be a Death Star replacing the big geodesic dome at Epcot? Will Cinderella’s castle be replaced by Jabba the Hutt’s palace? Will all the employees in the parks be dressed as Nazis? (Y’know, from the Indiana Jones movies.)

That’s not all. Disney already has announced plans to release a live-action (YES!) Star Wars film in 2015!

Let me say that again. Star Wars: Episode VII will be released by Disney in 2015.

No details beyond that have been announced, but that is enough to get legions of Jedi fanatics excited enough to make the Kessel run in 12 parsecs.

There is already lots of speculation about what the convergence of these creative forces will produce. Good money would be on some noted Lucas scribe like Hugo Award-winning novelist Timothy Zahn or best-selling author R.A. Salvatore putting together some kind of treatment and get the ball rolling from there.

There are already scores upon scores of stories in the expanded SW universe. It only remains for Big Mickey to pick from the best and adapt it. Easy, right?

Well, I’ve a few theories about how this could go, though hopefully, it’ll be a little better than what I might propose.

The Sarlacc Pit (aka Georgia O’Keefe on acid)

Star Wars – Obviously, there will be Star Wars. Hopefully, it won’t get all Disney-fied and we’ll still see plenty of limbs chopped off by errant lightsabers, along with the occasional head. And hopefully the aliens will continue to look … well … alien. Including things like the Sarlacc, which looks like a nightmare George Lucas might have had after looking at too many Georgia O’Keefe paintings.

Indiana Jones – Unfortunately, we’ll likely get more Indy movies. If there’s anything Kingdom of the Crystal Skull taught us, it’s that the world doesn’t need Harrison Ford whipping his whip and running through tombs anymore.

I don’t recommend handing the fedora off to Shia LaBeouf, though. Still, given Shia’s history with Disney, and Ford’s own stubbornness, we’ll likely get lots more unnecessary Indy in the future.

Likely, we’ll get (in no particular order) Indiana Jones and the Revenge of the Depends Undergarments, Indiana Jones and the Assault on Social Security, and of course, Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Dentures.

we’ll get … Indiana Jones and the Revenge of the Depends Undergarments, Indiana Jones and the Assault on Social Security, and of course, Indiana Jones and the Search for the Lost Dentures.

Industrial Light and Magic – along with Lucasfilm, Disney gets the most accomplished special effects house in the industry. ILM was responsible for the liquid metal effects of the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, as well as the effects in all six of the Star Wars movies. Groundbreaking. More than a dozen Oscars. Heavy stuff.

And now those capabilities are in Disney’s hands. So a life-like CGI film starring Mickey and Donald? Completely possible. A shot-for-shot retroactive digital enhancement of 1954’s 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with a giant squid that would make the Kraken in Clash of the Titans look like a rubber spider? Entirely probable.

It’s also likely that there will be hard-core effects in every single Disney film released from now on. I’m banking on a remake of That Darn Cat!

Skywalker Sound – every single movie involving Marvel, Disney, or Star Wars characters will have at least one Wilhelm scream.

And now that Disney has control over so many galleries of characters, you could see Donald Duck hanging out with Captain America to battle stormtroopers. The ones in white armor, I mean, not the Nazi kind. (Why does that keep coming up?) Wolverine and Luke Skywalker being stuck inside a computer Tron-style wouldn’t be completely out of the question.

Seriously though, there are some excellent stories in the saga yet to be told onscreen. If you peruse some of Zahn’s work (The Thrawn Trilogy, in particular), The New Jedi Order, or anything by Karen Traviss, you might get a little excited about the idea of a new Star Wars film.

Honestly though, chances are that they’ll just screw it up.

See you next time.

About James Brown

James Brown
James Brown is not related, affiliated, or representative to or of the estate of the Godfather of Soul. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

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