Your Epidermis Is Showing

Caddo Parish District 3 Commissioner Michael Williams has revived his proposal to ban the wearing of pajamas in public. Why he gave it up in the first place, I have no idea.

This time, he is encouraging businesses to ban the wearing of f–king sleepy clothes in their establishments, mostly because an outright ban was rejected earlier this year.

The Libertarian side of me says “Who gives a sh-t what these losers wear, as long as they don’t mess with anyone else?”

That brings me to the next point.

The original idea came from a January committee meeting when they were discussing an incident at a Wal-Mart. Some elderly people were pissed because they could see the butt cracks and dick shadows of some whippersnappers wearing pajama pants with no underwear at Wally World.

Who in the hell wears woolen pajama pants or nylon basketball shorts without underwear? Ever? My balls are sweating just thinking about it.

Who in the hell wears woolen pajama pants or nylon basketball shorts without underwear? Ever? My balls are sweating just thinking about it.

The proposed ordinance is really the only news here, because the rest of it happens every day. I avoid Wal-Mart at all costs because I don’t like rubbing elbows with mouth breathers in their jammies or crotchety blue hairs with no spatial intelligence.

If you are a whiney bitch, you are probably assuming that I’m a racist or lack compassion for my fellow man, even though you’d feel the exact same way if your wife and kids had to see this. It’s supposed to bother you.

My compassion is reserved for those who have to deal with the awkwardness of explaining someone else’s ass crack to their children. I even have compassion for the old people who push their carts slowly down the center of the aisle and block the Lunchables while they decide which cheese they want to constipate them for a month.

It’s not a particular race, social class, or any other identifiable group that I lack understanding or sympathy for. There is an entire subculture of trolls who need an ass whipping from their mothers and fathers.

Sagging shorts and pajama pants are just two of the many symptoms of the problem. They smack their gum, drive aggressively, interrupt you while you are talking, treat women like sh-t, etc. “¦

Unfortunately, it’s my generation and the next who have set this tone.

It’s not just young men, either. Women and their McDonald’s-fueled muffin tops are spilling out of tight outfits like never before.

What we need are more parents like James and Florida Evans from Good Times or Archie Bunker from All in the Family.

James Evans would have yanked J.J. out of Wal-Mart and whipped his ass. Then he would have threatened all of J.J.’s friends. They would remember to pull up their pants and wear underwear around Mr. Evans.

If everyone puts them on the spot, they will start to get the message. We can’t just leave it up to drunken uncles to embarrass their slutty nieces and wannabe-gangster nephews at Christmas. We have to embarrass them on a regular basis to get results.

To be clear, I’m not in favor of an ordinance making pajamas illegal in public, but I am all for establishments kicking people out and refusing service if patrons break posted a dress code.

Or, we could just replace Wal-Mart greeters with angry Vietnam vets. “¦

About Michael Atkinson

Michael is an angry little white man, shat into the world by a sarcastic God. He collects gas, debt, and disgusting animals.

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