The Red Shtick College Football Ratings: Week IX

Gators Climb to #1, Sooners Aiming to Beat the #2 Out of Irish

A few crazy things happened in college football last week, but nothing shook the Earth. Only one of last week’s 11 undefeated teams, Cincinnati, entered the loss column. A struggling Auburn all but sealed the deal on an 0-8 SEC regular season with a loss at Vanderbilt. LSU controlled the second half en route to a hard-fought victory in College Station in a game where Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel played the chased chicken to the LSU defensive linemen’s collective Rocky Balboa.

We here at Balls have this week’s Red Shtick College Football Ratings, and they’re listed below. As stated last week, the list consists entirely of the results of a computer formula not unlike some of the formulae used in the BCS standings. If you think my rankings are stupid, then feel free to tweak the formula, which, in plane English, goes like this:

A team’s rating shall be thrice a team’s winning percentage, twice the team’s opponents’ combined winning percentage, and the team’s opponents’ opponents’ winning percentage, the sum of which is to be divided by six and then is to have subtracted from it an amount equal to the team’s number of losses to FCS schools divided by total games played, and is to have added to it, in any and all cases where the team has defeated a team whose sum of thrice its winning percentage, twice its opponents’ combined winning percentage, and its opponents’ opponents’ combined winning percentage is an amount equal to the defeated team’s aforementioned sum minus 0.66666, the difference between the defeated team’s sum and 0.66666.

If you think my rankings are stupid but you can’t understand the preceding sentence, then please refrain from wasting valuable web space by posting “Your stupid” in this article’s comments section.

The Red Shtick College Football Ratings: Week IX

The Gators and Fighting Irish sit atop The Red Shtick’s ratings in a nightmarish week for herpetohibernophobes.

Conference Rankings

  1. Big 12
  2. Southeastern
  3. Big Ten
  4. Pacific-12
  5. Big East
  6. Atlantic Coast
  7. Mid-American
  8. Sun Belt
  9. Western Athletic
  10. Mountain West
  11. USA

If my system alone were used to determine the BCS bowl lineups – which would be killer – here’s how the bowls would line up with today’s standings:

  • BCS Championship Game:  Florida vs. Notre Dame
  • Rose Bowl: Oregon State vs. Michigan
  • Fiesta Bowl: Kansas State vs. Oregon
  • Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Rutgers
  • Orange Bowl: Florida State vs. Ohio
Potentially Earth-Shattering Games This Week

  • Florida vs. Georgia:  Gators dominate computers if they win.
  • Texas Tech at Kansas State: A Raiders win sets up a possible three-way Big 12 tie with the Cats and Sooners.
  • Notre Dame at Oklahoma: An Irish win solidifies national legitimacy.
  • Mississippi State at Alabama: Both teams undefeated, but Tide favored by 24!
  1. Florida
  2. Notre Dame
  3. Kansas State
  4. Oregon State
  5. Oregon
  6. Alabama
  7. Ohio State
  8. Mississippi State
  9. Texas Tech
  10. Oklahoma
  11. Rutgers
  12. Louisiana State
  13. Louisville
  14. Florida State
  15. Ohio
  16. Boise State
  17. South Carolina
  18. Georgia
  19. Clemson
  20. West Virginia
  21. Texas A&M
  22. Southern California
  23. Tulsa
  24. Nebraska
  25. Michigan
  26. Texas
  27. Wisconsin
  28. Cincinnati
  29. Louisiana Tech
  30. Penn State
  31. Northern Illinois
  32. Kent State
  33. Northwestern
  34. UCLA
  35. Western Kentucky
  36. Stanford
  37. San José State
  38. Iowa State
  39. North Carolina State
  40. Arizona
  41. Duke
  42. Toledo
  43. Fresno State
  44. Louisiana-Monroe
  45. Texas Christian
  46. Oklahoma State
  47. Central Florida
  48. Arizona State
  49. Utah State
  50. Ball State
  51. Michigan State
  52. Navy
  53. Nevada
  54. North Carolina
  55. Iowa
  56. Brigham Young
  57. Miami (Florida)
  58. Troy
  59. San Diego State
  60. Mississippi
  61. Louisiana-Lafayette
  62. New Mexico
  63. East Carolina
  64. Bowling Green
  65. Maryland
  66. Washington
  67. Wake Forest
  68. Tennessee
  69. Minnesota
  70. Arkansas State
  71. Baylor
  72. Missouri
  73. Virginia Tech
  74. Purdue
  75. Vanderbilt
  76. Temple
  77. Air Force
  78. Central Michigan
  79. Arkansas
  80. Syracuse
  81. Texas Tech
  82. Indiana
  83. North Texas
  84. Houston
  85. Connecticut
  86. Texas-San Antonio
  87. California
  88. Marshall
  89. Miami (Ohio)
  90. South Florida
  91. Kentucky
  92. Utah
  93. Southern Methodist
  94. Georgia Tech
  95. Illinois
  96. Western Michigan
  97. Auburn
  98. Texas-El Paso
  99. Rice
  100. Middle Tennessee State
  101. Virginia
  102. Washington State
  103. South Alabama
  104. Tulane
  105. Florida International
  106. Alabama-Birmingham
  107. Southern Mississippi
  108. Kansas
  109. Buffalo
  110. Florida Atlantic
  111. Hawaii
  112. Boston College
  113. Akron
  114. Pittsburgh
  115. Massachusetts
  116. New Mexico State
  117. Nevada-Las Vegas
  118. Colorado State
  119. Wyoming
  120. Eastern Michigan
  121. Idaho
  122. Memphis
  123. Colorado
  124. Army

About Adam Wilson

Adam Wilson was the original columnist for Balls, Pucks, and Cups. He returned after a five-year contract dispute with The Red Shtick management.

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