So it’s October, and you’ve been invited to a Halloween party. Whatever will you dress up as?!
Well, you’re a clever lad! I’m sure, if we left you to your own devices, you’d be able to come up with something witty enough to ensure you’ll get laid by a drunken stranger.
Let’s see what you’ve got: cereal boxes glued to a T-shirt with plastic knives in them – cereal killer.
Cereal kill yourself. You’re miserable at this.
Sure, the world’s going to end this year, but you’re ready with a bug-out bag and a filter that’ll let you drink your own pee. Also, a resplendent headdress.
If you want to be the wittiest guy in the room, you’re going to need a little help from The Shtick. Thankfully, I’m here to help you create a costume that’s a fitting tribute to something newsworthy from this year with a little twist of genius. Don’t worry, I brought one for each of you.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Paul Ryan as Captain America. This is pretty much a straight-up Captain America costume, except when someone goes to take a picture of you, pretend to clean your already-clean shield.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Mitt Romney as Barack Obama or vice versa if you’re black. Charcoal suit and black or white face, depending on your needs. Just wander around the party telling everyone what you think they want to hear.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mayan Survivalist. Sure, the world’s going to end this year, but you’re ready with a bug-out bag and a filter that’ll let you drink your own pee. Also, a resplendent headdress.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Zombie CDC Worker. You’ll be dressed as a zombie in Centers for Disease Control and Prevention coveralls, patiently explaining to people how your existence is impossible.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Pussy Riot/Vladimir Putin. Dress like a member of Pussy Riot, then punch yourself in the face.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Upright Broom/Gullible Dumbass. “The moon’s really close, so its gravity can hold up a broom!!! Also, I’m a dumbass!!!”
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Secret Service Pimp. There’s got to be one Secret Service member who handles all the logistics of sneaking whores into the hotel where everyone’s staying. That’s you.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Young Tyler Perry/R. Kelly. Easier than it sounds. You dress as a teenage Madea and then pee on yourself.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Mama June and Honey Boo Boo as George and Kuato. You know, that little dude from the original Total Recall. I think you can figure this one out.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Batman/James Holmes. This one has to be a half-and-half. One side is the asshole who ruined The Dark Knight Rises for everybody, the other is the most badass superhero of all time who spends the evening beating the other guys nuts into his torso.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Gay Chick-fil-A Exec. Sell yourself a chicken sandwich and then smush it in your own face while telling yourself you’re going to hell.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Lindsay Lohan/Amanda Bynes. Slutty dress and smeared makeup. Alternate between drunken rants and locking yourself in other people’s bathrooms for inappropriate amounts of time.