Spinosa Offers Lender Eldest Son, Immortal Soul to Keep Perkins Rowe

Perkins Rowe developer J.T. “Tommy” Spinosa has offered an Ohio lender his eternal soul and firstborn son as payment of the remaining balance on a $170 million development loan.

Facing the specter of a foreclosure sale of Perkins Rowe, Spinosa’s attorneys filed court papers to legally and irrefutably grant Spinosa’s life force and his eldest son Tommy Spinosa III to KeyBank National Association, of Cleveland, in exchange for absolution from the personally guaranteed debt and the right to retain ownership of the mixed-use development.

Spinosa’s attorneys indicated they have already contacted a qualified Haitian voodoo priest to conduct the necessary blood-pact ceremony.

KeyBank spokeswoman Laura Mimura indicated the lender is cautiously weighing Spinosa’s latest proposal.

“The combined current market values of a firstborn son and a man’s eternal soul typically far exceeds Perkins Rowe’s recently appraised value of $86 million,” Mimura said. “However, we have yet to see proof that Spinosa does, in fact, have a soul.”

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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