The Red Shtick College Football Ratings: Week VIII

It was a big weekend. LSU enjoyed a big win in one of the most entertaining games in the country this season. Pac-12 officials figured it was more important for the rest of the country to have another reason to hate Notre Dame than to call a game correctly. Mack Brown became to college football what Vice Admiral James Stockdale was to vice presidential debates.

Behold the debut of The Red Shtick’s official college football ratings. It’s a computer rating system, much like the six nerd-powered systems used in the BCS standings.

“What is the formula?” I hear you make the mistake of asking. It’s simple:

A team’s rating shall be thrice a team’s winning percentage, twice the team’s opponents’ combined winning percentage, and the team’s opponents’ opponents’ winning percentage, the sum of which is to be divided by six and then is to have subtracted from it an amount equal to the team’s number of losses to FCS schools divided by total games played, and is to have added to it, in any and all cases where the team has defeated a team whose sum of thrice its winning percentage, twice its opponents’ combined winning percentage, and its opponents’ opponents’ combined winning percentage is an amount equal to the defeated team’s aforementioned sum minus 0.66666, the difference between the defeated team’s sum and 0.66666.

If you read the above explanation and cannot understand it, don’t worry, because neither do I. I just made it up. There’s no way that a grown man would actually spend that much time devising a formula to rate athletes slightly more than half his age.

The Red Shtick College Football Ratings: Week VIII

Fighting Irish
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Conference Rankings

  1. Big 12
  2. Southeastern
  3. Big Ten
  4. Pacific-12
  5. Big East
  6. Atlantic Coast
  7. Sun Belt
  8. Mid-American
  9. Western Athletic
  10. Mountain West
  11. USA


If my system alone were the basis of the BCS selections – which would rule – here is the most likely BCS bowl lineup

  • BCS Championship Game: Notre Dame vs. Florida
  • Rose Bowl: Oregon State vs. Iowa
  • Fiesta Bowl: Kansas State vs. Oregon
  • Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Cincinnati
  • Orange Bowl: Maryland vs. Ohio (that’s the Bobcats, not the Buckeyes)


  1. Notre Dame
  2. Florida
  3. Oregon State
  4. Alabama
  5. Kansas State
  6. Ohio State
  7. Oregon
  8. Texas Tech
  9. Cincinnati
  10. Oklahoma
  11. Rutgers
  12. Mississippi State
  13. Louisville
  14. West Virginia
  15. Texas A&M
  16. South Carolina
  17. Louisiana State
  18. Boise State
  19. Ohio
  20. Iowa State
  21. Georgia
  22. Western Kentucky
  23. Northwestern
  24. Southern California
  25. Florida State
  26. Northern Illinois
  27. Louisiana Tech
  28. Tulsa
  29. Clemson
  30. Texas
  31. Texas Christian
  32. Iowa
  33. Arizona State
  34. UCLA
  35. Nevada
  36. Penn State
  37. Michigan State
  38. Michigan
  39. New Mexico
  40. Nebraska
  41. Wisconsin
  42. North Carolina
  43. Kent State
  44. Louisiana-Lafayette
  45. Stanford
  46. Central Florida
  47. Maryland
  48. Utah State
  49. North Carolina State
  50. Duke
  51. Louisiana-Monroe
  52. Miami (Florida)
  53. Minnesota
  54. San José State
  55. Baylor
  56. Toledo
  57. Arizona
  58. Ball State
  59. Brigham Young
  60. Washington
  61. Fresno State
  62. Mississippi
  63. Virginia Tech
  64. Temple
  65. Oklahoma State
  66. Tennessee
  67. Navy
  68. Central Michigan
  69. Missouri
  70. Indiana
  71. Troy
  72. Arkansas State
  73. Houston
  74. East Carolina
  75. Bowling Green
  76. Purdue
  77. Wake Forest
  78. Texas State
  79. Texas-San Antonio
  80. Arkansas
  81. California
  82. San Diego State
  83. Vanderbilt
  84. Connecticut
  85. Miami (Ohio)
  86. Kentucky
  87. South Florida
  88. Utah
  89. Syracuse
  90. Air Force
  91. Marshall
  92. Western Michigan
  93. Auburn
  94. North Texas
  95. Illinois
  96. Rice
  97. Virginia
  98. Tulane
  99. Georgia Tech
  100. Washington State
  101. Southern Methodist
  102. Middle Tennessee State
  103. Florida International
  104. Alabama-Birmingham
  105. Texas-El Paso
  106. Southern Mississippi
  107. Buffalo
  108. Florida Atlantic
  109. Kansas
  110. Hawaii
  111. Boston College
  112. South Alabama
  113. Massachusetts
  114. Akron
  115. New Mexico State
  116. Pittsburgh
  117. Nevada-Las Vegas
  118. Idaho
  119. Colorado State
  120. Army
  121. Wyoming
  122. Memphis
  123. Colorado
  124. Eastern Michigan

About Adam Wilson

Adam Wilson was the original columnist for Balls, Pucks, and Cups. He returned after a five-year contract dispute with The Red Shtick management.

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