Mitt Romney: The Wealthiest Guy Who Doesn’t Own Anything

Despite not being the first choice of many Republicans, Mitt Romney could kill a puppy on live TV today and most conservatives still would vote for him because he’s running against Barack Obama.

OK, maybe the puppy thing is a bit much. But according to Rush Limbaugh, he could kill a wascally wabbit on a children’s program and they’d still pull the lever for him.

“Romney is not the perfect candidate. That does not matter,” Limbaugh recently said on his radio program. “Romney, the best thing he can do is remember this election isn’t about him. He may as well be Elmer Fudd as far as we’re concerned. We’re voting against Obama.”

While money might be able to buy you friends in a frat house, sadly for Romney, it doesn’t necessarily equate to likability and trust in American politics.

Well that’s fine and dandy for conservatives like El Rushbo, but what about the rest of us who don’t think the president is Satan and hell-bent on destroying America? At last check, Romney’s losing to the antichrist … um, I mean, the president. How does Romney get more of us to vote for him?

In case you were wondering about that billboard in Livingston Parish: Yes, it’s an actual book. It’s even available on

Sure, he could take a page or two from the right’s playbook and try to convince us that Obama IS Satan and hell-bent on destroying America. However, if the past four years of rhetoric haven’t convinced us of that yet, I doubt he’d sway us by November.

So that means he’ll most likely have to actually win us over. In other words, he’ll have to make us like and/or trust him, which might be nearly as daunting a task as convincing us that Barack Obama is Satan and hell-bent on destroying America, because let’s face it: Romney didn’t win the nomination because he was warm and fuzzy.

Instead, Romney got the nod because he was able to run circles around his fellow Republicans in the fundraising arena. Nearly every other candidate had a valiant surge and briefly overtook Romney in the polls as GOP voters kept kicking the tires on every other model in the showroom, but they all eventually succumbed to the Romney cash machine that just kept chugging along throughout the primary season.

While money might be able to buy you friends in a frat house, sadly for Romney, it doesn’t necessarily equate to likability and trust in American politics.

Romney and his allies have spent more than half a billion dollars, yet he’s still trailing the president in some polls by as much as seven percent. He’s tried several campaign reboots just since the Republican convention but to no avail. Precious time is ticking away before the election. The moment for desperate measures is drawing nigh.

So what can Romney do to bridge the likability and trust gap that many political analysts, even of the Republican ilk, admit he must overcome? As a lifelong Republican and quasi-political junkie who has issues with the former Massachusetts governor, allow me to offer some unsolicited advice to Mr. Romney.


F–KING OWN IT, DUDE! Quit trying to dodge your past and run away from who you are and what you’ve done! Just man up and f–king own it! All of it!

Your record as Massachusetts governor? Own that sh-t!

Your record at Bain Capital? Own it like a mutha-f–king boss!

Your faith? Own it like you’re Joseph F–king Smith, bruh!

Even the “off-the-cuff” remarks? YES! Own that sh-t, too!

Oh, you wrote a book about yourself? Well, that’s nice. Maybe you could pile up a bunch of copies, set them on fire, and declare your core values to American voters via smoke signals. …

The problem is that people don’t know what your heartfelt convictions are! It’s like nearly every political belief you state today is contradicted by something else you said 10 years ago, four years ago, six months ago, or even last week!

I know, I know. All politicians eventually flip-flop, but very few do it so blatantly and so prolifically.

And when you combine that with a consistently perceived lack of transparency about your past business dealings and finances, it’s hard for people to get excited about you. And I’m not even going to touch on how many times you’ve made Thurston Howell III sound like Mother Teresa.

Oh, you wrote a book about yourself? Well, that’s nice. Maybe you could pile up a bunch of copies, set them on fire, and declare your core values to American voters via smoke signals, because that’ll get your message across more effectively than depending on the average American to actually read a book.

Mitt Romney doesn’t touch alcohol or coffee, but he will drink your milkshake.

But first things first. You were governor of Massachusetts, right? OK, then quit acting like you weren’t. Not only was your nomination acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention totally devoid of any reference to your tenure as governor, but your advisers reportedly pucker up whenever someone refers to you as Governor Romney.

For Christ’s sake, you’re treating your governorship like Daniel Plainview treated his deaf son in There Will Be Blood. You can’t just put it on a train and send it off to God-knows-where when it becomes a liability.

Sure, you can simply tell people you were a “severely conservative governor,” and some will believe you, because they have the brain capacity of a goldfish. But we live in the age of YouTube, when it doesn’t take much technical acumen to see stuff like this …

And this …

Now I know you never would have gotten a whiff of the GOP nomination espousing the same beliefs on abortion and gun rights that you so conveniently held 10 years ago. So how do you man up and own those outdated positions on social issues and still get the nomination in such an uber-conservative political environment?

In one word: epiphany. Just come out and say God spoke to you and showed you the light.

Think about it. George W. Bush was an insufferable, party-loving frat boy back in the day. He allegedly got liquored up and quite high on a regular basis. But social conservatives turned out in droves to support him because he found the Lord a few years before he ran for president.

So just imagine if an alcohol-free, caffeine-free, expletive-free family man came out and said the Almighty showed him the error of his ways. I mean, what kind of God-hating cynic in the GOP would argue with a squeaky-clean Mormon that he wasn’t genuinely touched by God? After all, most of them thought Clint Eastwood was talking to an imaginary Barack Obama.

Secondly, I know you are no longer the sole shareholder at Bain Capital, but you still need to own it.

Come back with something like, “YES THEY DESERVED TO BE FIRED AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!”

Yes, I know there are lots of stories of people losing jobs at companies after being taken over by Bain, but that’s no reason to avoid the subject. Oh, I know you touched on it during your convention speech, but come on. More people were watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that night. Seriously, they were.

Rather than simply glossing over the subject while people were still sniffing the turd Clint Eastwood had dropped on stage moments earlier, I think you should (as the kids today say) totally flip the script and once again own Bain Capital. All of it.

For example, you know that attack ad put out by the pro-Obama PAC showing all those folks who lost their jobs at a plant after being taken over by Bain Capital? Next time it runs, instead of predictably countering with a positive anecdote about Bain, followed by an equally predictable attack on Obama, you should channel Samuel L. Jackson from A Time to Kill. Come back with something like, “YES THEY DESERVED TO BE FIRED AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!”

The woman who inspired Mitt Romney’s current political strategy.

Sure, it’s not the most compassionate take, but at least we’d know what your true convictions are.

Besides, I’d venture to say a Carl Lee Hailey strategy would get you more support than the one you’ve been employing for most of your political career, which seems inspired by Eddie Murphy’s queen-to-be Imani Izzi in Coming to America. In my humble opinion, “I hope they burn in hell” will get you more votes than your current “Whatever you like” strategy of stating whatever you think certain people want to hear.

Seriously, though. How do you expect to sell the concept of “successful businessman” if the business you ran is essentially a taboo subject? I mean, it’s bad enough you’ve totally disowned your governorship. What’s left? The Olympics? Big f–king deal! That’s two steps above “community organizer.”

Look, I understand there have been many other successful businessmen who were reticent to talk about their successful businesses. Unfortunately, most of them have names like Corleone.

Finally, I know you’re a man of faith. I have no doubt about that. But it’s just really weird to hear someone talk about being a man of faith without ever actually talking about his faith. And simply calling your faith “my faith” is like talking about your wife and referring to her as “my wife” and never mentioning her by name. It’s just plain weird.

I know you’re afraid to talk about being Mormon because it might freak people out. And kudos for actually dropping the M-word during your convention speech, even if it was only once. That’s more than the number of times you mentioned the troops, but it was still just once. And keep in mind what I said about Honey Boo Boo and the ratings that night … and Clint Eastwood.

So my advice to Governor Romney is to take rightful ownership of everything that is rightfully his – the good, the bad, and the ugly. (Hey, a bonus Clint Eastwood reference!) Because while Obama may be the devil, at least he’s the devil we know.

About Jeremy White

Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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