For a good time call…

Looking for a good time? Don’t call Emma Watson. Or Google her. So you may have heard about a recent announcement declaring that Emma Watson is the biggest risk in cyberville. I would have said cyberspace but everything seems really close now.

Anyway, if you do an Internet search for Emma “Little Miss Know-it-all Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies” Watson, you have a one-in-eight chance of landing on a malicious site1. That’s almost as high a chance of landing a sexual partner with AIDS in the Greater Baton Rouge area2.

You land yourself on one of these sites, and you might get your personal information zapped from your computer or subject yourself to the possibility of some other type of online fraud. So do yourself a favor, go out and buy yourself a dirty magazine.  Your computer will be safe, and you won’t catch anything – as long as you wash your hands before.  And for goodness sake, wash your hands after!

So do yourself a favor, go out and buy yourself a dirty magazine.  Your computer will be safe, and you won’t catch anything – as long as you wash your hands before.

Jumping right in.
We go see movies to see the impossible. We go to escape reality. I have talked before about the things that we accept when we willingly submerge ourselves into the worlds created by motion pictures: highly improbable coincidences; wanton disregard for the laws of physics; people being attracted to Hillary Swank. Highly dubious prospects, indeed.

I encourage you to to fall into these strange and wonderful experiences. John Carter, for instance, wasn’t so bad as most people say. I can understand that it will never make it onto a top 100 list for the American Film Institute. In the end, it’s more about unrealized potential than a great embodiment of heroism and self-sacrifice that was meant to be. Unless you count the director sacrificing his own reputation in the movie industry.

Still though, some movies are just bad. To wit:

Bombs away!
Okay, I know I’m not the only that goes to see a movie, thinks it’s total and complete rubbish, and am not surprised when it turns out that it makes next to nothing in its opening weekend.  Oftentimes, and I know I’m not alone here, the trailer says “no one should come see this. This is a movie that is populated by unbelievable characters experiencing unrelatable events and is going to be as entertaining as watching a single ant try to build an ant pile.

You have to wonder how in the name of all that is right and holy do movie producers keep making bad movies year after year?  Do they just assume that “Hey, I may not like this but I’m certain someone is going to like it.” I’m sure there were more than a few people involved in creating the Twilight movies that had no interest whatsoever in seeing it, or even hearing a plot synopsis. All they cared about was that they could make it a stinking pile of a movie (no comment on whether that’s the case) flocks of fangirls would still want to see it.

But if you have a sketchy property like Judge Dredd (big in Australia*, there was a crappy movie in 1995) that the general public is either ignorant of or has negative feelings about, you might want to do a few things to make sure it’s a success. Sure, there a few people that are diehard fans of the original comic magazine. Or they fondly remember listening to the Anthrax** song back in the 1980’s.  Or maybe they just think Karl Urban is hot.  Most people, however, aren’t going to belong to that camp. The fact that the movie opened in 6th place on one of the most dismal weekends of the year shows that the people at Lionsgate misplaced the $50+ million dollars they spent to bring the film to your local theater… or maybe they have a plan. A long scale plan that involves losing millions of dollars.

but somehow I doubt that.

1 – source: AP news
2 – source: my syphilitic neighbor, Laura
*yes, I know it originated in the UK. But it IS big in Australia.
** the thrash metal band, not the disease.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About James Brown

James Brown
James Brown is not related, affiliated, or representative to or of the estate of the Godfather of Soul. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

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